Thursday, 31 May 2007
Anyway, for once, the humans have done something nice. They've provided me with a launch pad. I've delicate paws, you know.
Even better, the male took off the slave collar and fed me. Yes. Fed me. Glory be. I was beginning to think that they had forgotten that I actually need food to exist.
Mind you, the woman is mysteriously absent. Perhaps she's communing with the mothership? (No Ash, I did not mention your mother). It means a whole day without creams and pokes and proddings. Heaven.
I could do with a shoulder though. It's quiet around here. Actually when I say "quiet" what I mean is that the male is making that loud noise that he refers to as "music". Heck, I could sing more tunefully than that.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Hello! Hello! What's going on humans? Why are you lying there in that bed? Don't you know my food bowl's empty. It's been empty since yesterday.
No Mr Woman! I can't settle down! I'm trying to explain. My food's gone! Gone! Gone! G.O.N.E.!! I can hear the flying cheepies outside and that means I need more food.
See. Look I'll poke Mr. Man in the nose that'll solve the problem. Mr. Man will know what to do.
GONE Mr Man! No food. Poke! Poke! Come on Mr. Man, I'm trying to help you out here.
Hey! Why am I on the floor? How did that happen?
Hey! I'm outside a door now. Mr Man! Mr Woman! hungry!
Then, after a bit of an unexpected sleep, the female came to collect me. Finally. Thanks for remembering. Why does my chest itch now? And why is my lip sore? You know, the male human likes to fantasise that I have a bit of an alien abduction thing going on - I humour him, you've got to give the humans something to amuse themselves with, it keeps them out of trouble - but really, I think he might actually be onto something. I appear to be covered in tiny scratches. And my trout pout is smaller. I know the humans laughed at me when this appeared. I don't know what it is, either, but I kind of like it now. I think it looks kind of - pouty. They call it 'gormless'. I don't know why. I never had a gorm to lose. Anyway, don't you think lips like this are pretty?
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Ow! Mr. Desh!
But I luv my noofrendz ow!
He's only jealous coz I got more treatz than him.
What's that? It's the cat carrier. They're taking Mr. Desh! They're leaving me behind!
Update. Just heard the male human in the loft. That usually means a trip to the vet. I wonder if they'll feed me there. If I get really lucky, they may even leave meepy behind. Is that so much to ask for? Just a few hours peace and quiet. I would happily have cold, metal things shoved somewhere furry if only it meant that we didn't have to play yet another game of "Cat Flap Ambush" or "Ride Mr. Desh" or, well, you get the picture.
Sunday, 27 May 2007
Sha-Dow was tired and paw-sore. The endless days of questing 'neath burning sun, through trackless wastes and steaming, malevolent bogs had taken its toll. His once fluffy grey coat was matted and streaked with dirt. His left ear throbbed from the cruel tear, the wound that the Butterfly witch said would never heal. He had not slept for three days, nor eaten for five but his spirit was undimmed and he held his tail high. He would show no fear. Not now. Not when he was so close. For in front him towered King Rat.
The creature was huge. Its skin crawled with bugs. Some of them it picked off and ate: crunching and slobbering as it did so. Some it flicked to its gibbering court of rat demons who devoured them hungrily, hissing and spitting at each other all the time.
"Hungry Sha-Dow?" King Rat taunted him. It knew what he had undergone.
"No thanks. I ate last week." His answer was brave but even Sha-Dow could hear the quaver in his voice. King Rat's question was meant to remind him of Red but Sha-Dow had vowed then that he would be strong and would continue his mission.
And so he had. And now he was here. Surrounded by enemies with time fast running out.
Sha-Dow had but one chance. One chance to save them all. His long lost mother. His brave sensei. Even the hapless Twolegs.
"I challenge you, King Rat!" He summoned all of his strength; he would show no weakness. "I challenge you in the names of the Duke of Cati, the Five Dragons and the Seven Hills."
Sha-Dow heard the rat demons gasp. They hadn't expected him to know the secret words. Even King Rat seemed momentarily stunned. He knew he had just seconds left to complete his challenge.
"I have defeated the Carpet Muncher! I have found the unfindable Secret Movement beneath the Earth and caught the Uncatchable Red Spirit! My claws are sharp! My eyes are clear and my heart is strong. Face me by the Ford of the sacred river Az or your cowardice will be sung down the ages and even the mice will laugh at you."
Sha-Dow hardly dared breathe as the Rat King howled its anger; the walls of the palace shook and the demons raced for cover from the falling masonry but Sha-Dow did not flee. Instead he made a show of deliberately cleaning his paws as if he had not a care in the world.
"I accept your challenge, Little Sha-Dow." The Rat King spat out the word "little" but Sha-dow ignored the bait.
"I will see you at the hour before sun rise. Make your peace with your gods for you will say 5am just one more time before I send you to the bowels of the cattery. And this time you will not escape!"
It't that time again. The humans have put the THING on me. I've tried to convince them otherwise. I've hung my head low. I've gone outside and stuck my head in a bush to make them take it off but, cunning things that they are, they used the towel to dry me, removed the twigs and put it back on. Even lowered myself to cuddling them and trying the big-eyed thing but to no avail. If my chest didn't itch so much and if the outside wasn't so wet, I would be able to think properly.
I'm off to the chair to plan something. Don't know what yet but it'll be brilliant.
Smells like.... it does. It smells like the pink stuff. Ash just went past at high speeds. This is no time to be blogging. I've a metabolism to maintain.
Friday, 25 May 2007
See! The nice cats think I'm pretty. Even prettier than angel kitty. I love the angel kitty, she's so pretty. Mr Desh says that if the humans "shaved" me I would be all white, just like the angel kitty but I'm not sure I like the sound of that. I like being fluffy.
Mother was fluffy. I think. Sometimes it's hard to remember her. I must not forget because she'll come back for me one day.
Mother! Mother! I hear a door! Mother! Mother!
Well at last, far be it for me to say but, if I say so myself, my rather noble appearance has finally been recognised. Now, as I say, I'm not one for blowing my own horn but as I'm sure you can tell, I'm gorgeous. If only that little grey nuisance didn't follow me everywhere, I'm sure that I would be a great hit with the ladies.
Then again, the local ladies are not exactly what you would call classy. I tried explaining what an apostrophe was to them once and I'll got for my pains was a bite in the ear. Do they not know the importance of punctuation?
Or dieting come to that.
Speaking of which, the humans still have us on this "wellbeloved"! I think it's punishment. I mean, I'm a formula one cat. I have my profile to maintain. You can't be feeding me all this "hypo allergenic" nubbly stuff. I need sugar and starch and lots of cruncheable fuel. I've tried to deal with this through my meals on wings service but all the humans do is steal them for themselves and send me back outside for more. Makes no sense to me.
Hmm. Feeling rather gassy today. Better head up to the roof in case Ash wakes up. Oh, and I need to find out what this "catbib" the humans keep talking about is.
Thursday, 24 May 2007
So, last night, went creeping around outside trying to keep the damned jangles from jangling and it worked! Found big crunchy sitting on smaller crunchies and ate the lot. Lovely! And I even managed to ditch the jangles!
That'll teach the male human to wander off for days on end. Don't think the female likes me very much today, though. Shame. Oh, so full and sleepy!
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
mmmmmwwwwow?mmmwwoow? mmmmwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa-oooooooooooowwwwwwwwww? waaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaooooooooooowwwwww crunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunch lickwash cleanwipe facepaw lickclean tailwash earflap crunchcrunchcrunch zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz me-ow? meeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooow? mmmmmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww? mow? mmeow? mmweow? mmwwweow? lickslurp eatmeateatmeat wetyum eatmore justabitmore lastbitstuffednow zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz eh-oh? eh-oh? mmwwooooooooooooowwwwwwwww runincircles wantpet wantcuddle needcuddle needpet wantplay tailfluff earsup pounceplay needwantneedwant needwant needneed gotpet gotcuddle gotneed warmpet needwarm cheekrub airpaddle paddlepurr purrpet warmbody gotmother motherpurrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
But look! My mother was an artist too - she wrote her own book!
Monday, 21 May 2007
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Friday, 18 May 2007
Oh well. If you must...
I'm typing this very quietly because I don't want to blow my cover. Sometime soon an ant is going to walk past and then, and then, it's mine. I'll strike like a cobra! Grey lightning, that's me! The ant won't know what hit it. Lethal over short distances. That's what Mr. Desh always says I am. My mother taught me well when she said "Little Ash, always know where your bag is." Even Mr. Desh is always encouraging me to hide in a bag and practice being silent for hours on end. I love Mr. Desh. Just wish he wouldn't keep eating my happy, chirping friends. Wonder if I should pounce on him?
Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Human! Human! Human!
I'm alone! Abandoned! Alarm! Mother!
What's that? Rattly, whirring sounds from upstairs!
Human! I'm coming! Don't panic! I'm here!
I'm jumping on you! You're safe now! I'm eating your chest hair. (Must be Mr Man then. Mr Woman screams when I do that). Don't move human! I'm upside down! I'm sideways! I'm jumping off! I'm jumping on again. I'm eating the plastic thing you keep hitting with your fingers!
You're safe now, Mr Man. You can feed me now.
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Mr Desh why is rain wet?
Mr Desh why is it raining?
Mr Desh why doesn't rain like me?
Mr Desh what happened to the hot yellow thing?
Mr Desh why does the ground make my paws cold and wet?
Mr Desh where does rain come from?
Mr Desh will it go away again?
Mr Desh why are you climbing onto that roof again?
Mr Desh? Mr Desh? Is my mother up there? Mr Desh! Mr Desh!
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
Wet out here, let's go inside.
Bored in here, let's go outside.
Wet out here, let's go inside.
Bored in here, let's go outside.
Wet out here, let's go inside.
No food in here, let's go outside.
No food out here and wet too, let's go inside.
Is it time for lunch yet?
Saturday, 12 May 2007
Friday, 11 May 2007
Must get to France once I've had a decent nap and a decent meal. Hungry. Chest itchy. Bum a little sore. Ears still feel odd after the woman stuck that sticky thing in them. Hearing's improved though.
Then home! Food? Food so I can be sick on the carpet again? No! I got a mouthful of acckththughhuughhackackxackxththtck pthah pthah pah! Is this medicine?
I feel better now, really. No, really I do! I do! Mother? Where's my mother? I want mother....
Hello! This is me, looking out at the brand new world out there. Actually, that was yesterday because today I got a bit nosy and went for a wander. I WAS told not to go anywhere until my wings worked - whatever wings are - but hey, rules, schmools, I say. Didn't realise the ground would be so hard, though. So, just kinda sitting here, really, waiting for the world to start. Noisy, isn't it? Really noisy.
Hey, what's that jangling sound? Kinda like bells -
Now they taunt me. They make me chase and chase but I never get to catch. One day though.
I've got Ash working on a signalling device. Lots of shining rocks and jewellery properly arranged could refocus the laser beam. I don't actually know what a laser beam is, yet, but one day I will find out. Of course, Ash thinks he's building a bower but I know better. Oh yes. No flies on me. Unless. Maybe Ash is secretly one of them. Like the vet woman who puts cold things in places that make me judder. I need to find a place to shelter beneath. Preferably with some sort of black, oily camouflage material.
Uh oh. The light's back. Must chase it. This time it will not escaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Soon all humans will be woken at 5am by robot cats programmed to do just that! As they stumble tiredly through their days I will roll at their feet showing off my cunningly designed belly and they will fall before me. "Ash" they will say "Your are the lord and master of all you survey. We live only to feed you and never more shall we shut a door in your presence. We shall present our beards to be chewed and we shall immediately scour the land for all large, white, hairy things and" ow!
Mr Deshar! What did you do that for?
Hey why am I hanging upside down from the kitchen ceiling with my head spinning round? That's odd.
Oh well, deebly doobly, I'm a child of satan.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
4:30am. No biscuits left. Licked up some crumbs.
5am. Woman leaves. How could she?
6am. Hungry. Send Ash upstairs to wake the man.
6:15am Ash fails. What's going on?
7am. Send Ash upstairs again. Briefly consider eating my own tail.
7:30am Ash howling at bathroom door. There is hope. Human is cleaning itself. Does it every day. Weird things humans; takes me days to get a good scent built up.
8am. More biscuits! Is that it?
8:10am Human is cooking something with chicken involved. The torture!
8:15am Human hands me one piece of chicken! One piece! I may faint from hunger.
9am Man rushes out of door. Nothing but me and Ash and 27 biscuits. This is going to be grim.
9:10am. Ate 4 biscuits, trying to make rest last.
9:22:14.7 Biscuits gone.
10am Meals on wings have dried up since they stuck these damned jangles on me.
10:21am Find some food scraps on my paws.
10:37am Try to amuse myself by persuading Ash to stick his head in a box.
11:15am Still amused.
12:32pm So amused my sides hurt.
12:33pm Hurting sides turn out to be due to hunger.
12:54pm Ginger tarts taunt me some more. I'll give them "bell boy." Just wait until I have the strength to move.
1:14pm Ash has gone to look for his mother. Wonder if I can find his secret food stash. He must have one.
1:56pm Bring in a pile of moss and pretend it's food for a while. Think I may be hallucinating due to hunger.
2:14pm Mysteriously tired. Alien sleep ray being used on me from somewhere.
5:16pm. Groggy. Hungry. No humans around. Try gnawing the wallpaper. No calorie value there. Don't they know I'm a formula one cat? Precisely tuned, that's me. Slightest imbalance in my diet and I can no longer function at optimum efficiency. Just seen a fly! There's hope.
5:35pm. Still no humans. What if the Rainbow Bridge is real? It'll be full of fat, smug American cats. The horror. Must endure. I will not go gently into that good night. Think Deshar,there must be something to eat.
6:01pm. The burning sun beats mercilessly down on me. Just Ash and me on this raft and around us the pitiless sea. My lips are parched, my eyes glued shut. This is it, little Ash, they've abandoned us. One of us must make the ultimate sacrifice so that the other may live. Ash, you look so fluffy and plump, why are you backing away like that?
6:32pm. What was that? Was that what I think it was?
6:33pm. It was! It's a door opening! We're saved little Ash!
6:34:22 It's the man! Oh no! He always does other things first! Woman feeds us straight away. Not him. Oh no. He has "priorities". Woman knows what's best.
6:38pm Hunger again! Look I'm begging you! Just feed me! I can't take it any more.
6:39 Oh yes! Oh yes! He's going for the special cupboard! Go on! Go on!
6:39:15 The blue plates! Yes! It's the wet stuff! Can't .... wait .... any longer.
Tuesday, 8 May 2007
Don't know what the Rainbow Bridge is but it sure sounds good there. Mr. Desh says it would be like watching the Teletubbies playing with the Carebears and My Little Pony for 24 hours a day. I asked Deshar if my mother was there and he said "Probably. She would deserve it for landing me with you." Isn't that great!? No wonder I love Mr. Deshar so much.
Monday, 7 May 2007
Right. I'm off outside for a bit. Left the remains of a flying crunchy somewhere a few days ago and I'm hungry.
They fed me over an hour ago! What's a starving cat to do? Especially as the crunchies fly away when they hear me coming these days. Damn it, these bells are annoying.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Some battles can't be won straight away. The Man just got out the carpet muncher* so I'm sending this from behind the sofa. When the noise stops, I'll go and see if anyone's left alive.
*Deshar just said something rude about my friend Skeezix.
Saturday, 5 May 2007
For the love of Darwin.
Does that small grey thing not even know what he is? It's highly unlikely that he's found his mother.
Ash. Here are two pictures. One is a cat. That is what you, allegedly, are. The other is a rabbit. Can you guess which species your mother probably belonged to?
Think the humans love Mr Desh more than me. They came in today and put gold sparkles round Mr Desh's neck - and the sparkles make a tinkly noise! I WANT SOME TOO! Why don't they give me a collar? I won't scratch all the time, honest, not if you give me those tinkly sparkly bells as well!
And he gets all the paste. I only get the tiny end scraps. They call it 'medicine' but I thought medicine tasted bad. The paste is dark delicious and I WANT SOME TOO!
Bells! Paste! Collar! Sparkles! I want them all and I want mother? Where's mother? You look like mother. Are you my mother?
Oh no! The humans`came back from a trip today. Said they had a present for me so I waited patiently to be fed. Well, kind of patiently. They need to be reminded every few`seconds, so I do need to remind them what their priorities are.
Huh. Instead of feeding me, they took the collar off me and fastened these sparkly things to it. Great, I thought, O Cat of Little Brain is getting his turn with this damned collar at last but no! They got it wrong and attached it back on me! Naturally, I tried to shake the sparkly things off and that's when I realised they make a noise. Whenever I move, I tinkle. I sound like a`bloody sparkle on legs.
Don't they realise how hard it's going to be to catch the delicious crunchy flying things with this around my neck?
Friday, 4 May 2007
I think he probably needs more fairy lights.
And something's missing. 5 days ago, Ash and I went to the vet. So far this vet business hadn't been so bad. Sometimes a young human woman fondled me in ways that weren't entirely unpleasant. Other times a male human with an alien accent that made me think of strange meat products wouldn't shut up. Kept going on about "wee yon Ash, wae a bonnie wee tyke yon bancake is." I don't know what it means but I suspect I may need to cuff him. Humans always go on about Ash. If only they realised they truth.
Hmmph, I digress. I don't really want to think about it but, this time
It's a bit blurry but when I woke up I didn't feel hungry. That was my first clue. Then, later, I realised something was missing. Ash didn't seem to have noticed anything different but I could. I had this urge to wear loose fitting clothing and eat lots of Turkish Delight.
I tried licking but that didn't work no matter how hard I tried.
And now this. The collar of doom. It's so heavy I can't lift my head from the floor. There will never be sunshine again. Food has lost its flavour. I can't even get irritated by Ash. That said, if he suggests dangly bits on the collar again, I will cuff him.
Sigh. I'm going to lie in the doorway again in the hope that a passing human might kick me. That would make my day complete.
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Mr. Desh! Ow! Stop cuffing me Mr. D
Ow! That hurt!
But I want to talk in kitty talk. All the sparkly kittycats ow!
OK. I'll write properly then.
Speaking of which, what happened to Second Breakfast? Nearly 45 minutes since I last ate, you know.
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Still, looks like it gets well fed. A certain pair of humans should take note. Some cats need more than 3 meals a day, you know.
Mr Man is sleeping too. Mr Woman has gone to "wails", least that's what Deshar said. I kept asking him to explain but he pretended to be asleep.
So sleepy. I could sleep for a million years. I can't keep my eyes open. I wonder if, in a million years, we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits and eat our food as pills. They already give Mr. Desh lots of paste to eat. They never let me eat the paste. It smells so good and it always make Desh hurtle out to the plant pot really, really fast. Maybe it's rocket paste. I would like rocket paste because then I could follow Desh everywhere he goes.
Maybe my mum had rocket paste. I need rocket paste! Must find her! Mr Man wake up! Mr Man! I need paste! Mr Man! Wake up! Hungry! My mum needs me! Desh needs me! Where's Mr. Woman? Why are you sleeping! Wake up! Wake up!
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
Anyway, I thought the female's temper tantrum was funny. Just as well she didn't hear me snickering into my breakfast; it's hard not to make the crunchy food rattle when you're laughing and eating. And I saw the male smiling when her back was turned.
Well, she's gone for the day now and maybe, just maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, if I wowl loudly for a few hours, the male might relent and feed me some more. Curses! He's putting the black thing on his head. That means the roaring will start soon and I'll be left alone with Ash all day.
Right then. Roof. Sky. Sulk.
Update: there's a pile of wood at the bottom of the stairs. Did she put it there for me? It would look good in my bower.