Taking precautions

"Agent Orange" reporting from the field. Have taken cover in a protective place. Strange things happened last night. The earth moved. At first I thought it was Ash's hurdies making the ground shake - that cat can pack away a lot of food into those inflatable hurdies of his - but no, it was something far more mysterious. I suspect that it is to do with this mysterious "Edinburgh" project that the humans are working on. It seems to require them to drink copious amounts of that red stuff they call wine and to hang around the door asking passers-by if they want to view the house. I mean, these passers-by aren't blind so presumably they can view the house without problem.

It's a conspiracy. It has something to do with tartan, the kind of mystery meat products that even I would think twice about eating and much chanting of the mantra "Donal, wurz yer troosers?" Don't know what the language is but I suspect it's related to "cthulhu phatgn" and "Ia, Ia Shubniggurath."

I tell you, something's going on.

"Agent Orange" signing off.

Rodney speaks

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Rodney

Fear is the mother of morality.

We are the guppy cloud

Very, very nervous guppy cloud.
We sing a song of "wtf?!?"
We are the guppy cloud
We fight monsters!!1!
brave, brave, brave
is the guppy cloud.

It is strange

Mr Desh is right. It is all neat and tidy around here. Normally I'm the only one who is neat and tidy because I like to sit perfectly, all lined up and then I rub onions in my eyes to make them glisten and Mr. Woman feeds me lots and lots of hammm!!1! and everything else but now everything's neat. Even Mr. Desh got brushed yesterday.

Source of knowledge

I'm going to ask Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat knows everything. I don't know what mass toe beating is because I don't have toes but Mr Man has an itchy foot so I bet that's related somehow. I was going to ask the humans in the bedroom yesterday evening but Mr. Desh stopped me and covered my eyes. Mr. Desh is strange sometimes.

Must be vigilant

They've taken the delicious red flowers and replaced them with this. Everything's neat and tidy. Too neat. Too tidy.

Mysterious

Although the cat of little brain is usually needlessly alarmed by the smallest thing - I mean what is it about him and his fear of long skirts? What is all that about? Being scared of long skirts and living with "Mr Woman" is up there with living in Edinburgh and not liking the cold but I digress, something unusual is happening. I had to spend ages today watching two strangers in the backyard through the secret cat flap that only Ash and I know about. Once they had finished making an awful racket there was this strange, new, white door blocking my path to the adventure playground and outside toilet next door. Very strange. Why do the humans want me to climb walls and why do they keep tidying me away. Soon as I get into a good, comfortable heap of legs some other cushion or bed or blanket disappears. Something's going on, all the walls are whiter and strange, tall men insist on patting me on the head.

I have a bad feeling about this. Better stock up on the calories. Change is coming, Ash.

Hoots mon?

Mr Desh, why is there a thing on the house?
Mr Desh, why is everything so neat and tidy in here?
Mr Desh, why do they keep hiding our cat toys? Don't they want to play with us any more?
Mr Desh, why do people keep coming round and measuring things?
Mr Desh why did you eat all three of my breakfasts yesterday? Is that why you couldn't move?
Mr. Desh, why does Mr. Man keep practicising saying "hoots mon?"
Mr Desh, what is a mon?
Mr Desh, why ow! Mr De ow! Mr Desh, why are you going out of the catflap?
Mr Desh. Mr Desh! MR DESH!!!

Oh noes! I'm being squeezed again!

Svelte

Rather strangely, Mr Woman has been saying that I am getting chunky so I just wanted to prove that I can still fit into this belt. If anything, I'm underfed. Haven't had hammm!!1! for days. Then again, they did send me to THAT PLACE again. How could they do such a thing?

Tell me something I don't know

Yes, "Mr Man" I am perfectly aware that my bed has fallen over. I'm sure it would be awfully "cute" if you didn't have to sleep in it all afternoon. I mean, if you want to do something that is actually useful with those handy-dandy opposable thumbs of yours that you think so highly of then...
...sigh...
why even bother?

Do you want me to go and chase some shiny lights for you now?

Better than chikkun!!1!

Hammmm!!!1!!11!!!

OMG. The humans had hammm today and I got some. Hammm is the best thing in the world. It's pink and it's meat! When I hang from Mr. Woman's waist with all my claws she screams in delight and feeds me even more hammm. Hammm is best when you can put more in your mouth while you're still eating some other hammm. I could eat hammm for ever.

I'm very tired now though. Mr. Man lifted me off the safety step after he said something about breaking his "fricking" neck. Didn't know he had one of those. Maybe that's why his voice is all funny and squeaky and he smells of "Tee Sea Pee". Now I'm curled up in a corner at the top of the stairs and feeling all pink on the inside.

I love hammm! Nearly as much as Mr Woman but Mr Woman feeds me lots of hammm so I have to love her more. She does pick me up and squeeze me a lot and call me "little cat" but that's ok because I get more hammm that way.

Being me

Cat of little brain has headed off to the safety step, the humans are busy "getting clean" (what an odd concept) and I haven't been bothered by either of the ginger tarts for ages. Finally I can get on with doing what I do best. Bliss.

Behind the curtain

Back when I was just a little cat, Mr. Desh once said to me "it looks like it's curtains for your mother," just a couple of days before she disappeared. I always wondered what he meant by that then, yesterday, I found these curtains and when I shove my head deep into them it's like I can still smell her. So now I go and sit in them and burrow in to them and soon, I'm sure, soon she'll be back. My mother!