I don't need no special cat club!

They think they're so special, those two. I have a featherstick of my very own, and my own human to fetch it back upstairs for me. How special am I?

A recipe from Mr Woman

HOW TO SPOIL A CAT

Oh, Ash, what's the matter? You're meowling really loudly. Do you want some food, little one? mmm? More food? There, that's better, isn't it? Oh, no, you're howling again. Do you want stix, lovie? Stix for little Ash? Aha, you do! OK, let's go then -

(run round house several times, ensuring stairs are ascended and descended as often as possible)

Hello Ash, why's your tail all fluffed? And you're meowling again! What's the matter, little cat? What's the matter? Do you want a cuddle?

(pick cat up upside-down and hold for microsecond)

OK, not a cuddle then. How about a cat treat? Oh, yes, you want one of those, don't you? mmmm, that's lovely. Another? Another? How about another? Oh, you're still fluffed, aren't you? How about a pet? Is that what you want, little one? Is it? Oh, that's lovely, isn't it sweetie...

- continue, in this vein, for fifteen or so years, or until cat truly spoiled and puppet-strings tangled.