Pause to sleep

I am feeling very sleepy today. Last night I battled with monsters and demons to keep the humans safe while they slept. I don't want to alarm them though, so I slept very carefully all day to conserve my energy.

Of course, Mr Woman had to keep picking me up and checking if everything was ok then squeezing me to make sure so that didn't help. Luckily Mr Man's "on the bru" (whatever that means) which means he just sleeps all day like me and hangs around in his "chav" gear. And cos Mr Woman clipped him last night, his hair is no longer loud and bushy so he doesn't make any noise when he glides around the house. So I got lots of sleeping done.

Apart from the "shower." It's bad enough when the humans almost drown themselves each morning but when Mr Man decided to do it this afternoon I had to rush into the room after him and yell until he came out safely. Silly Mr Man! Why can't he just lick himself dry like a normal person?

Jaws

Uncle Sydney does have an awfully large mouth.

My belly is magnificent!

Don't know what those two humans see in that skinny, little grey thing. See this, jimmy? This belly is where it's at. There are yaks that would kill for a belly like this.

Hootsmonland

This is me lying on the grass in Hootsmonland.
Mr Desh told me that the grass here would be tartunn coloured but it looks green to me. I've never had my own grass before. I like to use to keep Mr Woman fit by chasing after a piece of stick that she runs around with.

I do miss Mr. Desh. I've tried playing "murder Unkulcat Sydney" but he doesn't quite understand the rules of the game. I never used to know what an unkulcat was but I think it must be one that's very big and makes a lot of noise and gets fed nothing but tuna and ham then likes to lie around a lot. This is unkulcat Sydney. He's BIIIG!!

He also likes to talk a lot. Last time I wanted to play "Murder Unkulcat Sydney" he said "No" but it didn't mean "ok, in a minute then." They must speak a different language up here.

Still, me and the Unkulcat will be great friends soon and have lots of adventures in micespace. I just know it. This is me and Sidders (that's what I like to call him when he's asleep) sniffing noses just like the bestest of friends.

Finally, here's me keeping Mr Man warm. Apparently Mr Man has bought a bicycle so that he doesn't "end up like Sydney." I guess that means he's worried about losing a tooth and smelling of tuna.

It isn't easy being an only cat

I have to work so hard that I'm tired out now. The problem is, you see, that ever since Mr. Desh went away Mr Man and Mr Woman are very upset and have become very forgetful. I do love them but they're not really all that clever. You wouldn't believe how long it takes them to understand the simplest things I'm trying to say. Sometimes I have to repeat myself over and over for ages!!!1!

So, since Mr Desh had gone I worked extra hard as an alarm cat to make sure they didn't miss their work. Every morning at 4am, even before the sun came up, I would go into the bedroom and tell them that they didn't have long before the alarm went off and when that didn't work - it never did, Mr Man would always pretend to be asleep rather but he didn't fool me - I would have to jump on the bed and poke them in the face over and over and over. Daft Mr Man and Mr Woman! What's more, they kept accidentally closing the cat door so I couldn't get out.

Then a few days later they kept forgetting to open the bedroom door all night so I had to shout extra loud and knock at the door until Mr Woman came out. Mr Woman always come out. I think Mr Man must have hearing problems.

Then you know what? Now they keep accidentally locking me in the living room at night!!!1! I mean, come on. I know they aren't the smartest stix in the bundle but that takes the biscuit. I have to really, really shout now until Mr Woman comes down. If I don't shout then they'll miss work and they wouldn't like that. But it does tire me out. It's hard work shouting so loud for so long and then I have to play with them in the morning and pretend to chase the flying mouse.

Is it any wonder I'm so tired?

By the way, before I get back to sleep, does anyone out there know where Hootsmonland is? Mr Man keeps saying Uncle Sidney's there and "he'll soon teach Ash the meaning of 'no'." Except I know what no means it means "in a minute." Unless Mr Woman says it and then it means "in a few seconds." I don't think I'll ever understand my humans.

I heard Mr Man mentioning putting a collar on me #2

Since Mr Desh isn't here anymore, I've been making enough noise for two, just so Mr Man and Mr Woman don't get lonely. And I've been bringing them presents - I found a birdie yesterday but Mr Man took it away and then let it go and then started talking about a collar for me. I remember Mr Desh getting a collar with bells on - can I have one of those, plz? A pink one? With sparkles? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooocanIpleasepleasepleaseI'll
bringyoubirdieseverydayifyoudooooooooooooo

I heard Mr Man mentioning putting a collar on me

Ashes to Ashes

I heard Mr. Woman say that Mr. Desh is coming back tomorrow. I know it won't be the real Mr Desh because he's gone to the Rainbow Bridge because he doesn't have to spend any calories there. Apparently Mr Desh is going to help Shima grow a hazel tree when we go to Hootsmonland, wherever that is. Mr Desh will like that because he likes eating plants because they don't run away. Me, I like chasing bugs because it's exciting and they enjoy playing being pounced on and then afterwards Mr Man and Mr Woman can feed them to Rodney.

Rodney scares me. Sometimes I see him looking at me and opening his mouth. Even Mr Desh's mouth wasn't as big as Rodney's mouth and Rodney can fly.

Tired now. Been working hard in the mornings. I know Mr Man and Mr Woman are still really upset about Mr Desh and I've made it my job to get up as soon as it's light and go into the bedroom and let them know I'm still here to look after them so they have nothing to worry about. I even pat them on the face sometimes just to make them feel better. That's how big and strong I am. I do miss Mr Desh though. Still, apparently when we go to Hootsmonland I'll meet my Uncle Sydney. I didn't know I had an Uncle Sydney. I wonder if likes playing Marmalise.

Goodbye, beautiful.

A break in the blog, to say goodbye.

Magnificent cat. The happiest, most peaceful and blissed cat we ever knew.
You are loved.

Adfor et gaudete

Deshar - March 18, 2008

Ash, if you mention the Rainbow Bridge don't imagine I won't find a way to cuff you.

To you all, goodbye now.

Taught Alarm Cat all he knows

Grammar Cat

See Ash, there are still some cats out there who prize notions such as grammar and using all the vowels.

Taking precautions

"Agent Orange" reporting from the field. Have taken cover in a protective place. Strange things happened last night. The earth moved. At first I thought it was Ash's hurdies making the ground shake - that cat can pack away a lot of food into those inflatable hurdies of his - but no, it was something far more mysterious. I suspect that it is to do with this mysterious "Edinburgh" project that the humans are working on. It seems to require them to drink copious amounts of that red stuff they call wine and to hang around the door asking passers-by if they want to view the house. I mean, these passers-by aren't blind so presumably they can view the house without problem.

It's a conspiracy. It has something to do with tartan, the kind of mystery meat products that even I would think twice about eating and much chanting of the mantra "Donal, wurz yer troosers?" Don't know what the language is but I suspect it's related to "cthulhu phatgn" and "Ia, Ia Shubniggurath."

I tell you, something's going on.

"Agent Orange" signing off.

Rodney speaks

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Rodney

Fear is the mother of morality.