Free

For once the humans have done something good for me. I tell you, I was starting to get distinctly worried by the female. Every time she picked me up something BAD happened. I'm starting to think that she's a part of IT. She sounds so friendly and has such comfortable shoulders but each time I let down my guard she does something awful to me. She applies creams to really rather private areas or she puts the blue t-shirt on me. I mean, I know "babes dig me", I don't need to be told, you only have to look at me - or, worst of all, she puts on the slave collar. Then, other times, it's into the pink transporter with yours truly and off to the experimenting room. I don't really know what happens in there, all I know is that they have a fetish for my hair; each time I wake up they've shaved some off. I suspect that they're trying to build a clone.

Anyway, for once, the humans have done something nice. They've provided me with a launch pad. I've delicate paws, you know.

Even better, the male took off the slave collar and fed me. Yes. Fed me. Glory be. I was beginning to think that they had forgotten that I actually need food to exist.

Mind you, the woman is mysteriously absent. Perhaps she's communing with the mothership? (No Ash, I did not mention your mother). It means a whole day without creams and pokes and proddings. Heaven.

I could do with a shoulder though. It's quiet around here. Actually when I say "quiet" what I mean is that the male is making that loud noise that he refers to as "music". Heck, I could sing more tunefully than that.

Alarm!!!!!

Hello! Hello! What's going on humans? Why are you lying there in that bed? Don't you know my food bowl's empty. It's been empty since yesterday.

No Mr Woman! I can't settle down! I'm trying to explain. My food's gone! Gone! Gone! G.O.N.E.!! I can hear the flying cheepies outside and that means I need more food.

GONE!!!

HUNGRY!!!!

See. Look I'll poke Mr. Man in the nose that'll solve the problem. Mr. Man will know what to do.

GONE Mr Man! No food. Poke! Poke! Come on Mr. Man, I'm trying to help you out here.

NO FOOD.

Hey! Why am I on the floor? How did that happen?

Hey! I'm outside a door now. Mr Man! Mr Woman! hungry!

HUNGRY!!!!

HUNGRY.

hungry.

hungry

hungry

hungry

Oh no, not AGAIN...

well, today the female took me to the vet. AGAIN. I was left there all day. No breakfast. NO BREAKFAST - no, thanks, I'm fine, I ate yesterday - really, I'm not that hungry. I got no lunch either. NO LUNCH. No, not for me, really, I've just read that new Victoria Beckham diet book and I honestly think I look better skinny. Don't you? Er - hello? Anyone?


Then, after a bit of an unexpected sleep, the female came to collect me. Finally. Thanks for remembering. Why does my chest itch now? And why is my lip sore? You know, the male human likes to fantasise that I have a bit of an alien abduction thing going on - I humour him, you've got to give the humans something to amuse themselves with, it keeps them out of trouble - but really, I think he might actually be onto something. I appear to be covered in tiny scratches. And my trout pout is smaller. I know the humans laughed at me when this appeared. I don't know what it is, either, but I kind of like it now. I think it looks kind of - pouty. They call it 'gormless'. I don't know why. I never had a gorm to lose. Anyway, don't you think lips like this are pretty?

I've got friends!!!

Look Mr. Desh, I made myself a Catster badge! And I've already got furryfrendz. One of them has nearly 46000 kittypalz already so I must be really speshul. I can make you a badge as ow!

Ow! Mr. Desh!

But I luv my noofrendz ow!

He's only jealous coz I got more treatz than him.

Depressed

Still raining. Still raining. My life is sorrow and woe. My horizons are bars. My joy is gone. All colour in the world has leeched away.

What's that? It's the cat carrier. They're taking Mr. Desh! They're leaving me behind!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It isn't easy being me.

Feeling a touch stressed today. It's only mid-morning. How am I going to manage to sleep until 5pm and the next meal?

Update. Just heard the male human in the loft. That usually means a trip to the vet. I wonder if they'll feed me there. If I get really lucky, they may even leave meepy behind. Is that so much to ask for? Just a few hours peace and quiet. I would happily have cold, metal things shoved somewhere furry if only it meant that we didn't have to play yet another game of "Cat Flap Ambush" or "Ride Mr. Desh" or, well, you get the picture.

King Rat

Sha-Dow was tired and paw-sore. The endless days of questing 'neath burning sun, through trackless wastes and steaming, malevolent bogs had taken its toll. His once fluffy grey coat was matted and streaked with dirt. His left ear throbbed from the cruel tear, the wound that the Butterfly witch said would never heal. He had not slept for three days, nor eaten for five but his spirit was undimmed and he held his tail high. He would show no fear. Not now. Not when he was so close. For in front him towered King Rat.

The creature was huge. Its skin crawled with bugs. Some of them it picked off and ate: crunching and slobbering as it did so. Some it flicked to its gibbering court of rat demons who devoured them hungrily, hissing and spitting at each other all the time.

"Hungry Sha-Dow?" King Rat taunted him. It knew what he had undergone.

"No thanks. I ate last week." His answer was brave but even Sha-Dow could hear the quaver in his voice. King Rat's question was meant to remind him of Red but Sha-Dow had vowed then that he would be strong and would continue his mission.

And so he had. And now he was here. Surrounded by enemies with time fast running out.

Sha-Dow had but one chance. One chance to save them all. His long lost mother. His brave sensei. Even the hapless Twolegs.

"I challenge you, King Rat!" He summoned all of his strength; he would show no weakness. "I challenge you in the names of the Duke of Cati, the Five Dragons and the Seven Hills."

Sha-Dow heard the rat demons gasp. They hadn't expected him to know the secret words. Even King Rat seemed momentarily stunned. He knew he had just seconds left to complete his challenge.

"I have defeated the Carpet Muncher! I have found the unfindable Secret Movement beneath the Earth and caught the Uncatchable Red Spirit! My claws are sharp! My eyes are clear and my heart is strong. Face me by the Ford of the sacred river Az or your cowardice will be sung down the ages and even the mice will laugh at you."

Sha-Dow hardly dared breathe as the Rat King howled its anger; the walls of the palace shook and the demons raced for cover from the falling masonry but Sha-Dow did not flee. Instead he made a show of deliberately cleaning his paws as if he had not a care in the world.

"I accept your challenge, Little Sha-Dow." The Rat King spat out the word "little" but Sha-dow ignored the bait.

"I will see you at the hour before sun rise. Make your peace with your gods for you will say 5am just one more time before I send you to the bowels of the cattery. And this time you will not escape!"

Here comes the rain again

It't that time again. The humans have put the THING on me. I've tried to convince them otherwise. I've hung my head low. I've gone outside and stuck my head in a bush to make them take it off but, cunning things that they are, they used the towel to dry me, removed the twigs and put it back on. Even lowered myself to cuddling them and trying the big-eyed thing but to no avail. If my chest didn't itch so much and if the outside wasn't so wet, I would be able to think properly.

I'm off to the chair to plan something. Don't know what yet but it'll be brilliant.

What's that?

Smells like.... it does. It smells like the pink stuff. Ash just went past at high speeds. This is no time to be blogging. I've a metabolism to maintain.

I'm so pretty

See! The nice cats think I'm pretty. Even prettier than angel kitty. I love the angel kitty, she's so pretty. Mr Desh says that if the humans "shaved" me I would be all white, just like the angel kitty but I'm not sure I like the sound of that. I like being fluffy.

Mother was fluffy. I think. Sometimes it's hard to remember her. I must not forget because she'll come back for me one day.

Mother! Mother! I hear a door! Mother! Mother!
Food! Food!
Food!!!!!!!

The truth will out

Well at last, far be it for me to say but, if I say so myself, my rather noble appearance has finally been recognised. Now, as I say, I'm not one for blowing my own horn but as I'm sure you can tell, I'm gorgeous. If only that little grey nuisance didn't follow me everywhere, I'm sure that I would be a great hit with the ladies.

Then again, the local ladies are not exactly what you would call classy. I tried explaining what an apostrophe was to them once and I'll got for my pains was a bite in the ear. Do they not know the importance of punctuation?

Or dieting come to that.

Speaking of which, the humans still have us on this "wellbeloved"! I think it's punishment. I mean, I'm a formula one cat. I have my profile to maintain. You can't be feeding me all this "hypo allergenic" nubbly stuff. I need sugar and starch and lots of cruncheable fuel. I've tried to deal with this through my meals on wings service but all the humans do is steal them for themselves and send me back outside for more. Makes no sense to me.

Hmm. Feeling rather gassy today. Better head up to the roof in case Ash wakes up. Oh, and I need to find out what this "catbib" the humans keep talking about is.

WMD

Oh, wow. Beyond my wildest dreams, that was. Humans have changed our biscuits for the small nubbly ones again, thank you very much. They call them "wellbeloved". I call them "barely tolerated". They may be healthy, but they just don't fuel the jet engine metabolism of a Formula One cat - not this one, anyway.

So, last night, went creeping around outside trying to keep the damned jangles from jangling and it worked! Found big crunchy sitting on smaller crunchies and ate the lot. Lovely! And I even managed to ditch the jangles!

That'll teach the male human to wander off for days on end. Don't think the female likes me very much today, though. Shame. Oh, so full and sleepy!

My day, my way

mmmmmwwwwow?mmmwwoow? mmmmwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa-oooooooooooowwwwwwwwww? waaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaooooooooooowwwwww crunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunch lickwash cleanwipe facepaw lickclean tailwash earflap crunchcrunchcrunch zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz me-ow? meeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooow? mmmmmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww? mow? mmeow? mmweow? mmwwweow? lickslurp eatmeateatmeat wetyum eatmore justabitmore lastbitstuffednow zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz eh-oh? eh-oh? mmwwooooooooooooowwwwwwwww runincircles wantpet wantcuddle needcuddle needpet wantplay tailfluff earsup pounceplay needwantneedwant needwant needneed gotpet gotcuddle gotneed warmpet needwarm cheekrub airpaddle paddlepurr purrpet warmbody gotmother motherpurrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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the mess!

Oh no! Mr Man's not here and Mr Woman has got out her paintbrushes! What's she doing? She's painting pieces of thread. Why's she doing that, Mr Desh? Now she's hung them over the back door, and they're dripping on our door! Ugh! I'm going to get messy paws. Mr Desh won't mind that. He always has dirty feet - ow! Mr Desh! Why'd you do that?

But look! My mother was an artist too - she wrote her own book!

The horror! The horror!

See what they did to my mother! The carpet muncher will never get me! If only I had been there to save her!

red madness

the red dot came again today! I ran really really fast! Upstairs! Downstairs! Upstairs! Downstairs! Round the house! Round again! And again! oooooooheadspinningworldlooksfunnyooooooooooooowhycan'tIever
catchit?