Beneath me

I refuse to get involved in something so trivial as giant monster battles or giant robot battles or anything else like that. Especially as mine aren't very good and Ash keeps telling me that his giant monster is more intelligent than mine. That cat doesn't know the meaning of intelligence. I've seen snails outsmart him.

Oh well. If you must...

Deshar is a Tiny Robot that walks on Two Spindly Legs, is fitted with a Flip-Arm, Compactor Plates and a Flamethrower, and runs on Coal. Force: 1 Handling: 6 Weaponry: 3 To see if your Battle Robot can defeat Deshar, enter your name and choose an attack: fights Deshar using Force Handling Weaponry

I'm a giant ant!

ash is a Giant Ant that Fell from the Sky, and can Phase in and out of Existence. Strength: 5 Agility: 8 Intelligence: 7 To see if your Giant Battle Monster can defeat ash, enter your name and choose an attack: fights ash using Strength Agility Intelligence

Deshar, what does "ironic" mean?

Full Metal Bag

I'm typing this very quietly because I don't want to blow my cover. Sometime soon an ant is going to walk past and then, and then, it's mine. I'll strike like a cobra! Grey lightning, that's me! The ant won't know what hit it. Lethal over short distances. That's what Mr. Desh always says I am. My mother taught me well when she said "Little Ash, always know where your bag is." Even Mr. Desh is always encouraging me to hide in a bag and practice being silent for hours on end. I love Mr. Desh. Just wish he wouldn't keep eating my happy, chirping friends. Wonder if I should pounce on him?

Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!

Alarm!

Human gone! Human gone! Alarm! Alarm! Where's the other human? Panic! Locate! Locate!

Human! Human! Human!

I'm alone! Abandoned! Alarm! Mother!

What's that? Rattly, whirring sounds from upstairs!

Human! I'm coming! Don't panic! I'm here!

I'm jumping on you! You're safe now! I'm eating your chest hair. (Must be Mr Man then. Mr Woman screams when I do that). Don't move human! I'm upside down! I'm sideways! I'm jumping off! I'm jumping on again. I'm eating the plastic thing you keep hitting with your fingers!

You're safe now, Mr Man. You can feed me now.

Questions

Mr Desh, what's that wet stuff out there?
Mr Desh why is rain wet?
Mr Desh why is it raining?
Mr Desh why doesn't rain like me?
Mr Desh what happened to the hot yellow thing?
Mr Desh why does the ground make my paws cold and wet?
Mr Desh where does rain come from?
Mr Desh will it go away again?
Mr Desh why are you climbing onto that roof again?
Mr Desh? Mr Desh? Is my mother up there? Mr Desh! Mr Desh!

Decisions, decisions

Bored in here, let's go outside.
Wet out here, let's go inside.
Bored in here, let's go outside.
Wet out here, let's go inside.
Bored in here, let's go outside.
Wet out here, let's go inside.
No food in here, let's go outside.
No food out here and wet too, let's go inside.
Outside.
Inside.
Outside.
Inside.
Outside.
Inside.
Is it time for lunch yet?

The hidden life of cats

Mr Desh, what're we going to do tonight?
Same thing we do every night, Ash. Try to take over the world.

melanistic felid cryptids

Fabrice Kircher specifically reported the predilection of cat-like creatures for travel in … the space-time of other dimensions -- therefore INVISIBLE TO US. This Fabrice person must know something because his accounts of the inter-dimensional train stations at and near Turns, France are proof that tears in our dimension exist in Europe as they do in Uinta, Utah at Skinwalker Ranch.

Must get to France once I've had a decent nap and a decent meal. Hungry. Chest itchy. Bum a little sore. Ears still feel odd after the woman stuck that sticky thing in them. Hearing's improved though.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Today we went to the vet again and it was horrible! I hid under Mr Desh but the Vet Person picked me up anyway and squeezed me. She didn't even say I was pretty! Mr Desh got some fur shaved off but then I got squeezed again! Ugh! And she squeezed me just where I'm a bit sore from eating that flying crunchy thing Mr Desh said was delicious. It was ugh!


Then home! Food? Food so I can be sick on the carpet again? No! I got a mouthful of acckththughhuughhackackxackxththtck pthah pthah pah! Is this medicine?

I feel better now, really. No, really I do! I do! Mother? Where's my mother? I want mother....

Hello world!

Hello! This is me, looking out at the brand new world out there. Actually, that was yesterday because today I got a bit nosy and went for a wander. I WAS told not to go anywhere until my wings worked - whatever wings are - but hey, rules, schmools, I say. Didn't realise the ground would be so hard, though. So, just kinda sitting here, really, waiting for the world to start. Noisy, isn't it? Really noisy.

Hey, what's that jangling sound? Kinda like bells -

Day 23

Now it's all starting to make sense. The cattery, the "vet", Ash's obsession with the mothership. They're out there. They're signalling to me. If only I could find a way to this "outside" I've heard of. I could get somewhere high and signal them.

Now they taunt me. They make me chase and chase but I never get to catch. One day though.

I've got Ash working on a signalling device. Lots of shining rocks and jewellery properly arranged could refocus the laser beam. I don't actually know what a laser beam is, yet, but one day I will find out. Of course, Ash thinks he's building a bower but I know better. Oh yes. No flies on me. Unless. Maybe Ash is secretly one of them. Like the vet woman who puts cold things in places that make me judder. I need to find a place to shelter beneath. Preferably with some sort of black, oily camouflage material.

Uh oh. The light's back. Must chase it. This time it will not escaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape

At last!

Mwha ha ha! At last, everyone's asleep. Now my true evil side can emerge. The world will be mine!
Soon all humans will be woken at 5am by robot cats programmed to do just that! As they stumble tiredly through their days I will roll at their feet showing off my cunningly designed belly and they will fall before me. "Ash" they will say "Your are the lord and master of all you survey. We live only to feed you and never more shall we shut a door in your presence. We shall present our beards to be chewed and we shall immediately scour the land for all large, white, hairy things and" ow!
Mr Deshar! What did you do that for?

Hey why am I hanging upside down from the kitchen ceiling with my head spinning round? That's odd.

Oh well, deebly doobly, I'm a child of satan.

Hungry like the wolf

4am. Humans up for some reason. Damn! Had just managed to get to sleep in order to ignore the hunger pangs. Woman feeds me a pathetic sprinkle of biscuits.
4:30am. No biscuits left. Licked up some crumbs.
5am. Woman leaves. How could she?
6am. Hungry. Send Ash upstairs to wake the man.
6:15am Ash fails. What's going on?
7am. Send Ash upstairs again. Briefly consider eating my own tail.
7:30am Ash howling at bathroom door. There is hope. Human is cleaning itself. Does it every day. Weird things humans; takes me days to get a good scent built up.
8am. More biscuits! Is that it?
8:10am Human is cooking something with chicken involved. The torture!
8:15am Human hands me one piece of chicken! One piece! I may faint from hunger.
9am Man rushes out of door. Nothing but me and Ash and 27 biscuits. This is going to be grim.
9:10am. Ate 4 biscuits, trying to make rest last.
9:22:14.7 Biscuits gone.
9:30 Hungry.
10am Meals on wings have dried up since they stuck these damned jangles on me.
10:21am Find some food scraps on my paws.
10:37am Try to amuse myself by persuading Ash to stick his head in a box.
11:15am Still amused.
12:32pm So amused my sides hurt.
12:33pm Hurting sides turn out to be due to hunger.
12:54pm Ginger tarts taunt me some more. I'll give them "bell boy." Just wait until I have the strength to move.
1:14pm Ash has gone to look for his mother. Wonder if I can find his secret food stash. He must have one.
1:56pm Bring in a pile of moss and pretend it's food for a while. Think I may be hallucinating due to hunger.
2:14pm Mysteriously tired. Alien sleep ray being used on me from somewhere.
5:16pm. Groggy. Hungry. No humans around. Try gnawing the wallpaper. No calorie value there. Don't they know I'm a formula one cat? Precisely tuned, that's me. Slightest imbalance in my diet and I can no longer function at optimum efficiency. Just seen a fly! There's hope.
5:35pm. Still no humans. What if the Rainbow Bridge is real? It'll be full of fat, smug American cats. The horror. Must endure. I will not go gently into that good night. Think Deshar,there must be something to eat.
6:01pm. The burning sun beats mercilessly down on me. Just Ash and me on this raft and around us the pitiless sea. My lips are parched, my eyes glued shut. This is it, little Ash, they've abandoned us. One of us must make the ultimate sacrifice so that the other may live. Ash, you look so fluffy and plump, why are you backing away like that?
6:32pm. What was that? Was that what I think it was?
6:33pm. It was! It's a door opening! We're saved little Ash!
6:34:22 It's the man! Oh no! He always does other things first! Woman feeds us straight away. Not him. Oh no. He has "priorities". Woman knows what's best.
6:35pm Dying!
6:36pm Hunger!
6:37pm Starvation!
6:38pm Hunger again! Look I'm begging you! Just feed me! I can't take it any more.
6:39 Oh yes! Oh yes! He's going for the special cupboard! Go on! Go on!
6:39:15 The blue plates! Yes! It's the wet stuff! Can't .... wait .... any longer.

I knew it

See! I always knew Mr Desh loves me really! He only pretends to be a mean old grumpy thing with his split ear, lack of personal hygiene and tendency to eat meals on wings and slimy hoppers. But he dipped himself in a pond last night to get himself clean and always tells me that if I keep on the way I'm going he'll make sure I'll end up on the Rainbow Bridge with all the American cats. That's got to be good.

Don't know what the Rainbow Bridge is but it sure sounds good there. Mr. Desh says it would be like watching the Teletubbies playing with the Carebears and My Little Pony for 24 hours a day. I asked Deshar if my mother was there and he said "Probably. She would deserve it for landing me with you." Isn't that great!? No wonder I love Mr. Deshar so much.

Bit worried

Actually, am worried about the male. Mr Man, as Cat of Little Brain calls him. He's spending a suspiciously large amount of time surfing the cat blogosphere and - as if more proof were needed - just look at the 'cute kitten' picture he posted last entry. I ask you. His mind is definitely going. Ash has polluted his brain.

Right. I'm off outside for a bit. Left the remains of a flying crunchy somewhere a few days ago and I'm hungry.


They fed me over an hour ago! What's a starving cat to do? Especially as the crunchies fly away when they hear me coming these days. Damn it, these bells are annoying.