From behind the sofa

cats hate vaccuum cleaners, originally uploaded by John Gusky.

Some battles can't be won straight away. The Man just got out the carpet muncher* so I'm sending this from behind the sofa. When the noise stops, I'll go and see if anyone's left alive.

*Deshar just said something rude about my friend Skeezix.

15 seconds of fame

Mr Desh! You're famous!

Hey!

What're you doing to my mother!

Basic anatomy

For the love of Darwin.

Does that small grey thing not even know what he is? It's highly unlikely that he's found his mother.

Ash. Here are two pictures. One is a cat. That is what you, allegedly, are. The other is a rabbit. Can you guess which species your mother probably belonged to?

oooooooooooo Mr Desh!

Think the humans love Mr Desh more than me. They came in today and put gold sparkles round Mr Desh's neck - and the sparkles make a tinkly noise! I WANT SOME TOO! Why don't they give me a collar? I won't scratch all the time, honest, not if you give me those tinkly sparkly bells as well!

And he gets all the paste. I only get the tiny end scraps. They call it 'medicine' but I thought medicine tasted bad. The paste is dark delicious and I WANT SOME TOO!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bells! Paste! Collar! Sparkles! I want them all and I want mother? Where's mother? You look like mother. Are you my mother?

The bells

Oh no! The humans`came back from a trip today. Said they had a present for me so I waited patiently to be fed. Well, kind of patiently. They need to be reminded every few`seconds, so I do need to remind them what their priorities are.

Huh. Instead of feeding me, they took the collar off me and fastened these sparkly things to it. Great, I thought, O Cat of Little Brain is getting his turn with this damned collar at last but no! They got it wrong and attached it back on me! Naturally, I tried to shake the sparkly things off and that's when I realised they make a noise. Whenever I move, I tinkle. I sound like a`bloody sparkle on legs.

Don't they realise how hard it's going to be to catch the delicious crunchy flying things with this around my neck?

I've got a noo fwend

Skeezix luvs pink too and he's weelly kyoot.

Uh oh, I can see Deshar. Going to publish this before ow!

Ow!

That hurts.

Human behaviour

Mr Man is being strange. Went off this morning on the big, red roaring thing to visit a friend called "Emotie". That's a strange name for a cat. Anyway, he came back just now weeping and looking mournfully at a piece of rectangular plastic. Those humans are strange. I tried to help by meeping and offering to eat something but that didn't work.

I think he probably needs more fairy lights.

Day 30

Deebly doobly. I'm a little butterfly.

Bit sore back there but the nice Vet People told me how pretty I was, so that's ok.

I'm so depressed

Day 30. Even Tiddles never had to suffer this.

And something's missing. 5 days ago, Ash and I went to the vet. So far this vet business hadn't been so bad. Sometimes a young human woman fondled me in ways that weren't entirely unpleasant. Other times a male human with an alien accent that made me think of strange meat products wouldn't shut up. Kept going on about "wee yon Ash, wae a bonnie wee tyke yon bancake is." I don't know what it means but I suspect I may need to cuff him. Humans always go on about Ash. If only they realised they truth.

Hmmph, I digress. I don't really want to think about it but, this time

it was

different.

It's a bit blurry but when I woke up I didn't feel hungry. That was my first clue. Then, later, I realised something was missing. Ash didn't seem to have noticed anything different but I could. I had this urge to wear loose fitting clothing and eat lots of Turkish Delight.

I tried licking but that didn't work no matter how hard I tried.

And now this. The collar of doom. It's so heavy I can't lift my head from the floor. There will never be sunshine again. Food has lost its flavour. I can't even get irritated by Ash. That said, if he suggests dangly bits on the collar again, I will cuff him.

Sigh. I'm going to lie in the doorway again in the hope that a passing human might kick me. That would make my day complete.

Kit spk

Hello! I'm a ickle kittykat called Ash and I'm just purrfect! I've got lots of grrrrreat new kittyfriends in the catosphere and luvvvvvv them all. Especially Tiger Lily who is having a birfday today. I'm going to have a birfday too and have lots of and lots of kittypals over and we'll have lots and lots of purrs and noseywosey rubs and my best friend Kaze who is rly kwl

ow!

Mr. Desh! Ow! Stop cuffing me Mr. D

Ow! That hurt!

But I want to talk in kitty talk. All the sparkly kittycats ow!

OK. I'll write properly then.

Irresponsible humans

Which one of you two showed Ash the cat blogosphere link? Do you know just how hard it is to keep that cat from losing whatever shreds of dignity he has left? No brother of mine is going to debase himself by speaking kitspk. Self-respect is important.

Speaking of which, what happened to Second Breakfast? Nearly 45 minutes since I last ate, you know.

Prince Muddy Paws?!

You've got to be kidding me. That's no cat. It's a furry seal. And they call it "Rocky". Oh god, don't let Ash see it. It's large and hairy and looks ridiculous and he already thinks half the world's his mother. He doesn't need this. Oh, and you two, don't let Ash see this link.

Still, looks like it gets well fed. A certain pair of humans should take note. Some cats need more than 3 meals a day, you know.

Dreaming of electric mothers

Sleepy.

Mr Man is sleeping too. Mr Woman has gone to "wails", least that's what Deshar said. I kept asking him to explain but he pretended to be asleep.

So sleepy. I could sleep for a million years. I can't keep my eyes open. I wonder if, in a million years, we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits and eat our food as pills. They already give Mr. Desh lots of paste to eat. They never let me eat the paste. It smells so good and it always make Desh hurtle out to the plant pot really, really fast. Maybe it's rocket paste. I would like rocket paste because then I could follow Desh everywhere he goes.

Maybe my mum had rocket paste. I need rocket paste! Must find her! Mr Man wake up! Mr Man! I need paste! Mr Man! Wake up! Hungry! My mum needs me! Desh needs me! Where's Mr. Woman? Why are you sleeping! Wake up! Wake up!

tchah

Does that little cat really, honestly think the humans welcome his valuable opinion and comment at 5am? Perhaps he does.

Anyway, I thought the female's temper tantrum was funny. Just as well she didn't hear me snickering into my breakfast; it's hard not to make the crunchy food rattle when you're laughing and eating. And I saw the male smiling when her back was turned.

Well, she's gone for the day now and maybe, just maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, if I wowl loudly for a few hours, the male might relent and feed me some more. Curses! He's putting the black thing on his head. That means the roaring will start soon and I'll be left alone with Ash all day.

Right then. Roof. Sky. Sulk.

Uh oh

Scared now. The woman keeps stomping around. For some strange reason she just broke the wooden thing she sits on and last night she swore a lot at the whirry, glowing thing that I like to sit behind. I tried telling her not to worry at 5:24 this morning but that didn't seem to help.


Update: there's a pile of wood at the bottom of the stairs. Did she put it there for me? It would look good in my bower.