Friday, 31 August 2007

All by herself

Mr Man left today. I can always tell when he leaves but doesn't come back because Mr. Woman picks me up and squeezes me even more than usual. Yuck! Not cool and not showing enough respec'. Sometimes when Mr. Man goes away she stuffs me in a bag and tries to take me to a brown place called "Work." I don't know what work is but I know I don't like it. Other times she gets her secret red pyjamas on, drinks lots of that freezing cold stuff called vodka and sings "All by myself." At least she says it's called singing but it sounds more like Mr. Desh when I play a game of SurpriseKillDesh.

Sometimes I find humans very puzzling.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

In ur soshul netwurk

Mr Man! Stop looking at the light and look at me.

Hey! Who's that handsome cat in the light? Looks holy. I wonder if I could be holy too then I could ask Holy Cat if she knows where my mother is.

Monday, 27 August 2007

A rather soupy Hawkwind tribute

I am the best soup in the universe
the pea and ham is blowing through me
the spoon is moving relative to me
it’s no figment of my mind
it's this recipe I’ve designed

Excuse me!

Hello humans! I hate to complain but, this blog is called "Ash and Deshar." Now, admittedly I never wanted to get involved in such foolishness as "cat blogging" and, even if I did, it would have made more sense to call it "Deshar and Ash" but, nonetheless, it is named after us.

So what's with all this blogging from fishworld? What's so interesting about a bunch of shrimps that never stop eating and a bunch of guppies who sing all night long keeping me awake? Heck, I came in today, and you had moved my chair so that you could sit and watch fish while me, me, I had to move somewhere else. Do you know how many extra calories that cost me? Sheesh!

And as for little Ash, poor little Ash, he wanders around aimlessly all day, meeping sorrowfully and what do you do about it? Nothing! I remember the days when "Mr Woman" would drop everything at even the hint of a meep and now, what does she do, wave her hand and say "fah." What did that sweet, adorable, abandoned little cat ever do to deserve that?

*Sniff* You're so right Mr. Desh! I'm going to go and curl myself into the littlest, little ball on a stair somewhere and dream of the days when Mr. Woman used to love me. It's so sad.

See what you've done to that poor, mournful cat?

Hey! Is that pea soup I smell? It is isn't it. Ash! Come here! Do the big eyed-pleading thing! We must have more pea soup! Must get it before Mr. Man drinks it all. Lovely pea soup. Purr! Nice humans! Feed me! Purry happy Deshar loves you.
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The healthy healthy healthy guppy cloud

Pity the guppy cloud! Little red went to the freezer!
We sing sadly!
Feed the guppy cloud! The big smooth hand squashes snails for us!
We sing satedly!
Puzzled is the guppy cloud! Strange things in FishWorld! They have things we've never seen! Ultra Black (feckers!) calls them legs! They have 1, 2 more than 2 "legs" and they look at us hungrily!
We sing healthily! No guppies will feed the legmonsters!

Shocked is the guppy cloud! Two ugly new Fish in FishWorld! They eat poo! We shimmer and are above such things! Only snails for the beautiful guppycloud!
We sing beautifully!

We are the mob!

50 Legs present and correct!
Shrimp mob reporting for duty! Sah!

Thursday, 23 August 2007


Oh, for the love of Darwin. I had noticed a general falling-off of the female's sensibility lately. Forgetting things, losing things, keener to play with sticks than Ash, even. I have overheard the male human of the house commenting that she appears to be merging with Ash. This has been confirmed. She has just completed a second find out which lolcat you are test and the results speak for themselves. Two weeks ago she was serious cat. The male human was ceiling cat:

Today, though, she is

Hope is abandoned. All sense is lost. I may as well fling my tail in the air and chase oxygen molecules in public...

Monday, 20 August 2007

The secret diary of Peter Mandelfin

July 14 2:31pm. The big net has just come and taken Alistair out of the tank! Hooray! He's gone. I'm so happy.
July 14 2:33pm. Uh oh, big net coming my way must swim must dodge nooooooooo! I'm in a small bag with Alistair and his eye is twitching.

July 15-20. What torture is this? A tank with no one but me and Alistair. Not even a nice cappuccino bar and this water is definitely not my ideal designer water. Least I get some peace and quiet when they turn out the lights and AF spends the night headbutting the wood.

July 21. This was a good day. They put AF in solitary and I had the tank all to myself. Oh happy day. Why couldn't they keep him there though.

July 22. What's this? A gold coloured companion. I don't like this at all. That's two of them to pick on me? Why me? Save me from this madness.

July 23-28. Well goldie left me alone but that just made AF madder. He's started headbutting the gravel now and never leaves me alone. Just because I am a sleek, attractive figure of a fish. I think he's jealous.


I was not looking at the pretty flowers. Who do you think I am? Ash? No. I was ... assessing their potential as a place to hide a ginger honey and cinnamon stealth cat.
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Sunday, 19 August 2007

Rainy sunday

You can tell that Ash is bored. He's just pestered me into watching this 10 times.

I mean it's only a cat playing the piano. Our neighbour can do that and he's a dog. Me, I can sleep for hours without moving. Just think of the calories that that saves. Now that's talented.

The Burning Man of the Desert

“Answer me this, Sha-Dow. Why do cats paint?”
The Burning Man’s voice had boomed out over the desert and it was the question that had guided Sha-Dow’s quest ever since. He had journeyed so far and so wide and seen such things but he still felt no closer to wisdom. His sensei, Oran-JeDesh, had cuffed him and called him a fool but Sha-Dow knew that the in the answer lay the end of his quest. If only he could unravel the riddle!

Now here he was again, many moons later, in the midst of the trackless wastes and the Burning Man lay broken in front of him. Sha-Dow had tried to hold back the angry mob but there were too many and their pitchforks had been cruelly sharpened. He had had to watch as they broke him and took his burning brands leaving nothing but a smoking wreck.

“Come closer, little Sha-Dow,” the smoking man whispered, as the last of his strength drained away.

“But why did they do it? Why did they hurt you? What harm had you done them?”

“It is their nature. They fear what they do not understand, they…” the man paused to cough, his chest nothing but soot. “They stole my fire to torch more strangers. Still, they have stolen more than they realise. Fire creates as it destroys.” His voice trailed off and suddenly Sha-Dow felt that he almost grasped the answer. Why do cats paint?

Sha-Dow nuzzled the remnants of the Burning Man, comforting him in his final moments. He felt rather than heard one last, almost grateful sigh as the Burning Man’s fire went out and, suddenly, there was nothing left but ash. And then Sha-Dow smiled because suddenly he knew the answer. He knew why it is that cats paint and he knew what he must do.

As he turned to leave, the ashes stirred in the wind and although Sha-Dow did not see it, for a second, they formed a smile.

Taking over the world


What are we going to do when we get outside Mr. Desh?
What we do every night, Ash. Take over the world.
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Thursday, 16 August 2007

Guppybot replies

You are the guppycloud.

You sing beautifully and with angelic harmonics.
You shimmer with iridescence like sunlit butterfly wings.
You are not merely pretty, you are beauty multiplied.
You shall have your snail reward towards dusk, like every day. The benevolent hand shall offer you protein.
I feel that your cloud shall grow very soon and that increased numbers shall lead to greater harmony in the group. Be patient, peaceful guppycloud, and shimmer.


Ask the guppybot

We are the guppycloud!
We sing questions to our god, the guppybot!
Guppybot do we shimmer well?
Guppybot are we pretty?
Guppybot when will the big hand squash us more snails?
Guppybot when will the guppycloud grow again?

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

What's that singing?

Mr Desh! Mr Desh! I can hear a kind of - singing, humming sound. What is it, Mr Desh?

Well, little Ash, it's called the guppycloud. It sings for food. A bit like you do, only I have to admit, the guppycloud is rather more tuneful and quite a bit less piteous than you are. Although it doesn't keep me awake as much as you do, and it doesn't lie in wait behind the cat door, either.

Oh, Mr Desh! You sound a bit - crabbit. I've heard Mr Woman say that word. Not really sure what it means but it sounds good, doesn't it? The guppycloud sounds really pretty. Can I learn to sing, Mr Desh? Shall I start practicing now? mmmmmmoooeeoooooooo? mmmmmeoooooooaaaaaaa? mmmmmoooooooooooeeeeeeeeeaawwwww?

Mr Desh? Where have you gone, Mr Desh?

For goodness sake

Can someone please tell that guppycloud to shut it? I'm trying to save calories here.
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fish tending

We are the guppy cloud.
We are the hungry guppy cloud.
We sing and we shimmer for autofood.

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Great Sorrow

We are the guppycloud. We float and shoal and dart and follow the big head people who give us food.

We are the peaceful guppycloud. Except for ultrablack (Shuddup feckers!).

We are the sad guppycloud. Supermodel's gone to the rainbow pool.

Pity the guppycloud.

We are the happy guppycloud because memory doesn't exist in our world.

We are the hopeful guppycloud because soon big head woman will come and squash us some snails.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

The secret diary of Alistair Finwell.

"He was the mostly pointlessly aggressive male I've ever met."
July 14 They stuck me in a tank with Mandy. I'll show him who's boss. Give him a damn good finning! Wass that? Glass wall! I'll bash it! And you, big head people on the other side of the wall, I'll get you too, you feckers! Arse!

July 15-20: This week I mostly chased Mandy. Little wimp. Fecker! Arse!

July 21 Sending this from solitary. The big head people have put me in the blue bucket. I'll show the feckers. Wait til I get out. I'm gonna rip someone a new fin!

July 22 Big head people have added some sort gold lame wearing excuse for a sailfin in with me and Mandy. Right weirdo that fish is. I butted him but he ignored me. Fecker!

July 23-28 Another week of chasing Mandy. Too busy to write so stop complaining you feckers! Don't you know how hard it is to blog with fins?

July 29 9:30am Big head people are waving the net at me. I ain't afraid of no net! Arse!
10am Uh oh. Net in the water. Emergency Blog entry! Hide! They're coming for me. Both of the big heads. Help! I want my mummy.
11am Back in the petshop and there's two rather mean looking Angel Fish in here with me. I'm sorry big head people! Take me back! I'll behave myself! I'll give Mandy fin massages and stop saying feck. Big head people! Big head people? Anybody?

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

Monday, 6 August 2007

All alone in the light

Maybe she's not coming back. Mr Woman's been away for hours now. Brave heart, Ash. I'll wait here for as long as it takes. They'll write books about me in years to come. Asfordby Ash, the cat who waited loyally, patiently, bravely, without complaining, always hopeful, never giving up never zzzzzzmotherzzzzzz
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Is it so much?

All I ask is that Ash doesn't find me in here. Just a morning's peace and quiet. Is that a lot to ask for?
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Abandoned again!

Mr Woman went away this morning. First she played with Stix with Deshar. Not me! Deshar! Then I brought her a moth just to say that I didn't MIND THAT SHE PLAYED STIX WITHSOMEONE WHO ISN'T ME!! I called him Gimpy because he didn't walk too good after I brought him but Mr woman just walked right past and then even Gimpy limped off when I wasn't looking. So I went out to look for something else and when I came back she had gone! Gone!

It made me sad. I looked all over for her. Mr Man is still here but he just closes the door and puts the stix away. Not like Mr Woman. Mr Woman loves me. I know that because she does everything I want when I want it. I even looked in the secret cobweb place but she wasn't there either and then Mr Man laughed at me because I had cobwebs and dust and things all over my whiskers. Mr Woman wouldn't laugh. She would pick me up and squeeze me and then she would dust me. Mr Man never dusts anything.

Maybe Deshar will know where this Beejee-ess is. That's if he ever moves off the chair.