Maximum hurtle

oooooooooooooooooo I want it all and I want it now!!! Stix! Where's stix! Want gold stix! Howl for stix, howl loud, loud, louder louder WHERE'S STIX? Now I want a cuddle and I'll run and run and bite and chew and purr mad eyes tail fluff -

eat crunch chew nubble -

stix again! Want to run mad hurtle sproing bounce howl howl howl howl upthestairs downthestairs upthestairs downthestairs run in circles point that tail ... pantpantpantpant pantpantpant pant pant

but I've lost something. Mr Man says I've lost my marbles. Where are my marbles? Do I need them? Did I ever have any? What do they look like? Do they look like stix?

Stop your computing

and pay attention to me now.

Prayers answered

Dear Holycat, thank you for answering my prayers and stopping Mr Man and Woman from making me go on holiday.

It's a bit strange though because some new humans are here and they keep sitting on my chair. What should I do?

It worked, Mr Desh!

Mr Desh! Mr Desh! It worked, Mr Desh! That thing we did yesterday with the feathers and the chanting and the dancing! It's been raining!
Look! Mr Man and Mr Woman were going to a place called Chooksberry and it's been raining there too -



And we're not going on holiday now, either! This is great!

But Mr Desh, I liked daytime teevee...

Let it rain

But Mr Desh why do I need to keep chanting? And why do I have to wear feathers?

Look, little Ash, I've told you already. The humans are going on holiday and you know what that means.

Oh, holidays. I don't like holidays. Last time Mr Man and Woman went on holiday they trapped us in a cage all alone. How could they be so cruel? So heartless? It makes me want to cry.

Exactly.

But why have you stuck feathers in the places that I don't like to think about? And why do you keep putting your paw over your mouth.

You need them to summon the rain.

The rain?

Yes, the rain. They're going to the catswolds and if we make it rain there, what will happen?

Um, it'll get wet? Mr Man and Mr Woman will get all damp and miserable just like me when you make me go down the well to look for my mother and then they'll have to come home and I can have stix whenever I want.

Not quite, cat of little brain, but not bad by your standards. If it rains it'll flood and they won't be able to leave and we won't have to go on "holiday" either. No being trapped with fat Hatty and the barkers and no more daytime teevee.

That was horrible wasn't it Mr Desh. Still at least we spent all the time together and we could play pounce whenever I wanted!

Just shut up and keep dancing!

White and shiny!

Today, Mr Woman was doing strange things. She was painting a window - why was she doing that? She was painting a white window white. I'm white underneath my grey. Do you think she'll paint me next? What you doing, Mr Woman? Here, let me have a look - oh! I've got white paw-pads now. They look lovely - and I'm leaving a trail of white pawprints behind me! Oh, pretty!!!

Doing the rounds

Dum de dum. Don't mind me, I'm just a stealth cat doing the rounds.

Yes, I know it's a cliché. Next one to point that out gets glared at.

A recipe from Mr Woman

HOW TO SPOIL A CAT

Oh, Ash, what's the matter? You're meowling really loudly. Do you want some food, little one? mmm? More food? There, that's better, isn't it? Oh, no, you're howling again. Do you want stix, lovie? Stix for little Ash? Aha, you do! OK, let's go then -

(run round house several times, ensuring stairs are ascended and descended as often as possible)

Hello Ash, why's your tail all fluffed? And you're meowling again! What's the matter, little cat? What's the matter? Do you want a cuddle?

(pick cat up upside-down and hold for microsecond)

OK, not a cuddle then. How about a cat treat? Oh, yes, you want one of those, don't you? mmmm, that's lovely. Another? Another? How about another? Oh, you're still fluffed, aren't you? How about a pet? Is that what you want, little one? Is it? Oh, that's lovely, isn't it sweetie...

- continue, in this vein, for fifteen or so years, or until cat truly spoiled and puppet-strings tangled.

Hypnocat

Look into my eyes! You will obey me. That means you, Mr. Woman.

Waiting for Stix

Stix won't move. Been here all morning. Mr Woman's gone and Mr Man is clacking again. Why won't stix move? Neck's getting weak. Feel all shivery and am starting to hallucinate. Must be going cold chicken. I've heard about that. All I need is some stix and everything will be alright. Just one stix. I could give up any time.

My new friend

I like Mr Hopkins. He doesn't taste too good and he makes a strange screaming noise whenever I go near him but I reckon he likes me almost as much as Mr Desh does.

Mother!

The motherlode

Big stix! We wants them, precious, we needs them. Crunchible, stixy goodness; so big and sticky. We wants them.
Need Mr Woman. Mr Woman will give us stix won't she precious.
Nice Mr Woman.
Sooooo soft.
So biddable.

We're Purrring we are. Mr Woman. We needz them.

Mr Desh was right!

Today, Mr Woman told me to go away.

Why did she do that, Mr Desh? We were playing stix really happily, we played stix upstairs and downstairs, in the hall, on and off the bed. Stix are great. I never get tired of stix! I love them! Chasey, whippy, woody, breaky! oooooooooothey make me run in circles and want a pet pounce claw scrabble run chase sproing bounce flatten ears mad eyes run some more cuddle a bit bite hand that cuddles chew beard roll on back howl loud louder louder run some more and some more and some more

But why did she tell me to go away? Does she not like playing with me, Mr Desh? She only played with me for two hours... she called me a pest, Mr Desh. Don't you love me anymore, Mr Woman? Mr Man? Mr Desh? Where have you all gone?

Last years toys

Mr Desh, have you noticed that we're not getting to blog so often? Why is that? I like blogging.

Ah, little Ash, it's a sad, sad thing.

But why?

Have you seen the new thing in the kitchen?

Yes. It's not much fun though. It just sits there and bubbles. Not like stix. I like stix. Where's Mr. Woman? I need stix!

Hush, little Ash. Our era is over. Soon they will have forgotten us.

But why?

Well, you see, I hear them talking about "cat fish" and I bet they'll go in that tank. And I bet they prefer cat fish to us. Remember when we were in the rescue pens?

Oooh, I don't like remembering then. It makes me sad.

Well remember when they came around and they liked me but thought you were boring and that they liked Peggy and Felix and mad Ivy and wanted to take them instead of you and I had to keep telling them "You can't take me without Ash. Anywhere I go, Ash goes." Except they called you Silver in those days. Remember?

*sob* yes, you told me about it so many times and I didn't want to believe it because they seemed so nice and I was a teeny bit scared but it must be true because you always tell the truth. Why does nobody love me. Well, except for you and my mother and she's gonnnnnne.

Don't worry little Ash, I'll look after you.

Thing is, one of these "cat fish" is going to be called Molly and I bet they'll play stix with her and give her all the wet food she wants. Us. We'll be on nothing but "notatallbeloved". There'll be no stix for us. No red dot to chase. We'll be abandoned, again, like last years toys.

Oh, don't cry little Ash. No need to worry about being ABANDONED AGAIN! Perhaps you should go and hunt for your mother and stop pestering me for a bit. I'll just lie here and work on my plushness while you go away for SIX HOURS.

Oh, Mr Desh. You're so strong and sensible. You always make me feel better. Can we have a quick game of kill first? Please! Please! See! Pounce on Mr Desh! Bite Mr Desh! Gnaw his ear! Pin to the ground! Chase! Marmalise! Oooh this is fun. fun! FUN!!!!!

Feeling plush

Feeling good and plush today. They haven't made me eat "wellbeloved" in days. I knew that poisoning the cat of little brain would reap some rewards.

It's good to be plush.

My body's in a cage

Mr Man? Why? Why did you make Mr Woman go away this morning? Twice. What did I do wrong? I'm just a little grey cat.

Mama, where have you gone?
Woke up again last night
Meeped hello and meeped again
Looked around but you weren't there.

Mama, life had just begun,
But now you've gone and left me all alone.
Mama ooo,
Did you mean to make me cry?
If you're not back again this time tomorrow-
I'll carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters-

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Body's aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-Ive got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)

I dont want to go,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all-

I'm just a little grey kitten with some needs.
Mr Desh! Mr Desh! Don't go where I can't follow.

Where's my mum? Where's my mum?
Can you see a big, white cushion?
But I'm just a little cat and nobody loves me
He's just a little cat and his mother's run away
Give him some stix 'fore he drives us all insane...