Why me?

So there I was minding my own business, getting some downtime and preserving my calories when, of course, cat of little brain had to but in. Is it so much to ask for just a little peace and quiet. I mean, I had even managed to find a nicely fragrant chair to spread my glorious fur upon and whammo up comes Ash. He may look little but he's "solid" in a Ray Winstone way. Goodness only knows how he managed to perch on the edge. Then, to make the morning complete, here comes "Mr. Man" to flash bright lights in my eyes.

Sheesh. If I weren't an atheist I would think that god hates me.

Finger likken good!

Gotta have CHIKKEN!!1!

Uh oh!

Mr Woman bought Mr Man a new click and flash thing for his "birthday." I was trying to sleep so that I could ignore the hunger pangs oh I am so hungry and I can smell CHIKKUN!!1!. It's in the hot place, sitting there, smelling so good. I went to guard the hot place so that no one could steal the CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman and Mr Man kept flashing the thing at me. Made my eyes sore. Everywhere I go now, they follow me and flash. Even Mr Desh got flashed a few times. He doesn't mind though, he just kept on sleeping. How can he sleep when there's CHIKKUN!!1! in the hot place?

I did ask him what a "birthday" is? It seemed to require the humans to drink some of that awful red stuff they call whyne and sometimes it makes Mr. Woman do something they call "Interpretative Dance" to the loud noise. Deshar likes the loud noise because it reminds him of pea soup. Anyway, I asked Mr Desh about "birthdays" and he said that they are special days when cats have to be silent for 24 hours and that mine was coming up soon! In fact, Mr Desh said I was special because every day of my life is a birthday. I don't like birthdays. If it was up to me, birthdays would be cancelled and we would have CHIKKUN!!1! days instead. Then I could eat CHIKKUN!!1! every day. I would like that. Maybe if I look at Mr Woman hopefully and purr a lot and point my tail at the CHIKKUN!!1! she'll give me some. Mr Woman loves me. Mr Man always eats all of his CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman always saves some for me because I love her so much and she feeds it to me when Mr Man isn't looking.

I wonder why humans don't have to be quiet during their birthdays and why Mr Woman always points at the ceiling and whirls around when she's doing the "interpretative dancing?" Humans are strange.

I wasn't always called Ash

Back when I was only small my mum used to call me "Gnotnow." She would lie on her back and when I poked her she would just say my name. That always made me feel special because no matter how tired she was she would always say my name. Mr. Desh sometimes says she called me "Pest" but that's cause my mum always got her p's and b's mixed up. This video is just like her. Mr. Desh thinks she must have run off to You Tube to do kittypron just like they said on the Jeremy Kyle show at the holiday home. I didn't like the holiday home but at least they let me watch television all day there.

Before anyone says anything

No, Ash, I am not a "neandercat". I am not "flame-haired", "ginger" or "orange." I am, technically, a very rare mix of honey and cinnamon. And no, you're not an neandercat either. They were quite highly evolved.

The misery of it all

There is someone out there more miserable than me! Mr Desh said there had to be, and there is! Am I happy about that? Am I? I don't know. I think I want to cry now.

Strange angles

See I can do fancy pointing too.

As things ought to be

For once the humans are treating me properly. Shoulder position allows me to move from A to B with minimal calorie expenditure.

This is a good thing.

hello!

I'm down here!

Feed me!
Hungry here!

There is hope!

I had begun to think that there were no other intelligent cats in the world, that perhaps they were all like Ash, that everywhere one turned there would be ktpsk and cutesy stuff and the rainbow bridge. All I wanted was the occasional incisive comment and a healthy dose of sarcasm. I tried explaining sarcasm to Ash once but there wasn't enough glitter involved and he wandered off half-way through the fourth word. sigh.

Then, today, I discovered Psycho Kitty. OK, it's not a promising name but I think I've finally found someone who tells it like it is. Someone who also has endure what I have to endure. He has humans who feed him erratically and an annoying cat that the female coos over day and night.

The squirrels look crunchy too.

The only thing that confuses me is his reference to a "massive manhood." Tiddles always used to go on about his massive manhood until after his trip to the "vet". Then he started to collect pink ribbons instead. All very strange.

I don't understand!

Mr Woman says Mr Man's coming home tomorrow! But she says he's not Mr Man any longer - he's Dr Man now. Doctor Man? Has he turned into a vet? What's happened? She says we've got to wash behind our ears and sit neatly for him when he comes in. Why? Why does he want to see us washing our ears?

She says we've got to be clean and perfect. Does she want us to look like this? It's clean, but not very kwl.

Paws crossed for Mr Man

Mr Woman has sent all our good luck away, so we're hiding, in case something bad happens while we're not looking. She says Mr Man needs it all today and we've to keep our paws crossed for him. Will this do? We just want Mr Man to come home again. He's coming home with a pee itch dee. Does he really want one of those? It sounds sore.

Maybe he's at the vet again.

Good Luck, Mr Man!

Mr Man's abandoned me! Again!!

Why does he keep leaving me behind? Mr Woman keeps singing about lumberjacks and says that the "moun tees" have him as she says that the "moun tees" always get their Mr. Man. On the good side, Mr. Woman feeds me whatever I want as long as I make it very obvious. She tried to feed me "Whiskas" today! Yuck. Hand cooked free range chicken breast or nothing. That's all that's suitable for a prince among cats.

Correcting the facts

I don't know what cat of little brain means. That "Pumpkin" is nothing like me. You won't find me rolling around the floor. I'm a lean, mean hunting machine. I haven't got time for such fripperies. And I'm nowhere near "ginger."

OK. Who's playing silly buggers? I'll have you know that that photo is unfair.
Oh. What's that? Is it? Yes it is. It's a kat tickler. Excuse me, no time left to blog. Must chase. Chase! Chase!!!

PS
There's nothing worse than pedantic humans who insist that "kat tikkler" is spelt with three k's. Bad enough having to type "kat". I will not surrender my principles! Zero tolerance for grammatical mistake's! Thats what I say.

PPS. The apostrophe errors were deliberate.

PPPS. No Ash. I do not have time to explain what an apostrophe is. Just be happy that it's not your mother, it has nothing to do with "stix" and, no you are not "smallish." There is no ish. Happy now?

PPPPS. If the male human considers some sort of catastrophe/apostrophe pun for even a second, I will cuff him.

I've got a new friend!

called Pumpkin and he's got an evil meow! I wish I had an evil meow!! Pumpkin's really kwl!!!! He's like Mr. Desh only bigger. Much bigger!!!!