I wonder if he misses me?

This is my last photo of Uncle Sydney. We had 10 weeks of all sorts of fun together. We shared his food and played lots and lots of kill uncle Sydney - his favourite game! But a few days ago Mr Man and Mr Woman went away in the morning and these STRANGE humans came in the door and said hello to "Sidders." I thought it was only me who could call him that. It was very worrying because I thought that maybe my humans had run off and abandoned me!!! I kept wishing Mr Desh was there to tell me what to do. Luckily they came back and put me in the scary pink cage.

Now I'm a morningside cat. Don't really know what that means but apparently only very, very posh cats live here. Except for Hitler cat. I thought he was going to be my friend because he looked just like Uncle Sydney. Hitler cat is evil though. He invaded my bedroom yesterday and made me hide beneath the bed. Even big, furry Bob who comes and sniffs at my front door sometimes doesn't like Hitler cat.

Oh, Mr Man says I have to finish this quickly before the Why-fy police lock him up. But Mr Woman's been talking about someone called Basil who is going to be my friend. I've never had a friend called Basil before. I'll have to tell you more when I find out.

In trouble now

 

Uh oh Brown Bear has told me off for not blogging enough which isn't fair because it's all Mr Man's fault. Mr Man broke teh internets and made me move to Morningside where there's no Uncle Sidney for me to play with then kept me prisoner inside for hours and hours and hours. Mr Woman was nice though and let me go out.

I like out. Except.

Hitler cat.

Hitler cat is mean and keeps calling me Poland even though my name is Ash.

Anyway, I have to type in small letters because apparently Mr Man's borrowing someone's why-fy, whatever that is and it could go down any moment. So I'm squeaking at him (Mr Man takes dictation) really quickly in case Brown bear tells me off again.

Hoots

Uncle Sydney hoots quite often. Usually when he wants tuna or ham. Uncle Sydney always wants tuna or ham. I like living with Uncle Sydney, even though he's always hitting me, because he likes sharing his tuna and ham with me so I get lots more than I ever did before.

I wonder if Uncle Sydney's really an owl cat. Owlcats hoot and are always bad tempered, at least they look bad tempered. I haven't seen Uncle Sydney fly. He did jump a little bit once but he broke the floor when he landed and made all the dogs in the area bark.

Mother! What happened?!?

Pause to sleep

I am feeling very sleepy today. Last night I battled with monsters and demons to keep the humans safe while they slept. I don't want to alarm them though, so I slept very carefully all day to conserve my energy.

Of course, Mr Woman had to keep picking me up and checking if everything was ok then squeezing me to make sure so that didn't help. Luckily Mr Man's "on the bru" (whatever that means) which means he just sleeps all day like me and hangs around in his "chav" gear. And cos Mr Woman clipped him last night, his hair is no longer loud and bushy so he doesn't make any noise when he glides around the house. So I got lots of sleeping done.

Apart from the "shower." It's bad enough when the humans almost drown themselves each morning but when Mr Man decided to do it this afternoon I had to rush into the room after him and yell until he came out safely. Silly Mr Man! Why can't he just lick himself dry like a normal person?

Jaws

Uncle Sydney does have an awfully large mouth.

My belly is magnificent!

Don't know what those two humans see in that skinny, little grey thing. See this, jimmy? This belly is where it's at. There are yaks that would kill for a belly like this.

Hootsmonland

This is me lying on the grass in Hootsmonland.
Mr Desh told me that the grass here would be tartunn coloured but it looks green to me. I've never had my own grass before. I like to use to keep Mr Woman fit by chasing after a piece of stick that she runs around with.

I do miss Mr. Desh. I've tried playing "murder Unkulcat Sydney" but he doesn't quite understand the rules of the game. I never used to know what an unkulcat was but I think it must be one that's very big and makes a lot of noise and gets fed nothing but tuna and ham then likes to lie around a lot. This is unkulcat Sydney. He's BIIIG!!

He also likes to talk a lot. Last time I wanted to play "Murder Unkulcat Sydney" he said "No" but it didn't mean "ok, in a minute then." They must speak a different language up here.

Still, me and the Unkulcat will be great friends soon and have lots of adventures in micespace. I just know it. This is me and Sidders (that's what I like to call him when he's asleep) sniffing noses just like the bestest of friends.

Finally, here's me keeping Mr Man warm. Apparently Mr Man has bought a bicycle so that he doesn't "end up like Sydney." I guess that means he's worried about losing a tooth and smelling of tuna.

It isn't easy being an only cat

I have to work so hard that I'm tired out now. The problem is, you see, that ever since Mr. Desh went away Mr Man and Mr Woman are very upset and have become very forgetful. I do love them but they're not really all that clever. You wouldn't believe how long it takes them to understand the simplest things I'm trying to say. Sometimes I have to repeat myself over and over for ages!!!1!

So, since Mr Desh had gone I worked extra hard as an alarm cat to make sure they didn't miss their work. Every morning at 4am, even before the sun came up, I would go into the bedroom and tell them that they didn't have long before the alarm went off and when that didn't work - it never did, Mr Man would always pretend to be asleep rather but he didn't fool me - I would have to jump on the bed and poke them in the face over and over and over. Daft Mr Man and Mr Woman! What's more, they kept accidentally closing the cat door so I couldn't get out.

Then a few days later they kept forgetting to open the bedroom door all night so I had to shout extra loud and knock at the door until Mr Woman came out. Mr Woman always come out. I think Mr Man must have hearing problems.

Then you know what? Now they keep accidentally locking me in the living room at night!!!1! I mean, come on. I know they aren't the smartest stix in the bundle but that takes the biscuit. I have to really, really shout now until Mr Woman comes down. If I don't shout then they'll miss work and they wouldn't like that. But it does tire me out. It's hard work shouting so loud for so long and then I have to play with them in the morning and pretend to chase the flying mouse.

Is it any wonder I'm so tired?

By the way, before I get back to sleep, does anyone out there know where Hootsmonland is? Mr Man keeps saying Uncle Sidney's there and "he'll soon teach Ash the meaning of 'no'." Except I know what no means it means "in a minute." Unless Mr Woman says it and then it means "in a few seconds." I don't think I'll ever understand my humans.

I heard Mr Man mentioning putting a collar on me #2

Since Mr Desh isn't here anymore, I've been making enough noise for two, just so Mr Man and Mr Woman don't get lonely. And I've been bringing them presents - I found a birdie yesterday but Mr Man took it away and then let it go and then started talking about a collar for me. I remember Mr Desh getting a collar with bells on - can I have one of those, plz? A pink one? With sparkles? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooocanIpleasepleasepleaseI'll
bringyoubirdieseverydayifyoudooooooooooooo

I heard Mr Man mentioning putting a collar on me

Ashes to Ashes

I heard Mr. Woman say that Mr. Desh is coming back tomorrow. I know it won't be the real Mr Desh because he's gone to the Rainbow Bridge because he doesn't have to spend any calories there. Apparently Mr Desh is going to help Shima grow a hazel tree when we go to Hootsmonland, wherever that is. Mr Desh will like that because he likes eating plants because they don't run away. Me, I like chasing bugs because it's exciting and they enjoy playing being pounced on and then afterwards Mr Man and Mr Woman can feed them to Rodney.

Rodney scares me. Sometimes I see him looking at me and opening his mouth. Even Mr Desh's mouth wasn't as big as Rodney's mouth and Rodney can fly.

Tired now. Been working hard in the mornings. I know Mr Man and Mr Woman are still really upset about Mr Desh and I've made it my job to get up as soon as it's light and go into the bedroom and let them know I'm still here to look after them so they have nothing to worry about. I even pat them on the face sometimes just to make them feel better. That's how big and strong I am. I do miss Mr Desh though. Still, apparently when we go to Hootsmonland I'll meet my Uncle Sydney. I didn't know I had an Uncle Sydney. I wonder if likes playing Marmalise.

Goodbye, beautiful.

A break in the blog, to say goodbye.

Magnificent cat. The happiest, most peaceful and blissed cat we ever knew.
You are loved.

Adfor et gaudete

Deshar - March 18, 2008

Ash, if you mention the Rainbow Bridge don't imagine I won't find a way to cuff you.

To you all, goodbye now.

Taught Alarm Cat all he knows