Svelte

Rather strangely, Mr Woman has been saying that I am getting chunky so I just wanted to prove that I can still fit into this belt. If anything, I'm underfed. Haven't had hammm!!1! for days. Then again, they did send me to THAT PLACE again. How could they do such a thing?

Tell me something I don't know

Yes, "Mr Man" I am perfectly aware that my bed has fallen over. I'm sure it would be awfully "cute" if you didn't have to sleep in it all afternoon. I mean, if you want to do something that is actually useful with those handy-dandy opposable thumbs of yours that you think so highly of then...
...sigh...
why even bother?

Do you want me to go and chase some shiny lights for you now?

Better than chikkun!!1!

Hammmm!!!1!!11!!!

OMG. The humans had hammm today and I got some. Hammm is the best thing in the world. It's pink and it's meat! When I hang from Mr. Woman's waist with all my claws she screams in delight and feeds me even more hammm. Hammm is best when you can put more in your mouth while you're still eating some other hammm. I could eat hammm for ever.

I'm very tired now though. Mr. Man lifted me off the safety step after he said something about breaking his "fricking" neck. Didn't know he had one of those. Maybe that's why his voice is all funny and squeaky and he smells of "Tee Sea Pee". Now I'm curled up in a corner at the top of the stairs and feeling all pink on the inside.

I love hammm! Nearly as much as Mr Woman but Mr Woman feeds me lots of hammm so I have to love her more. She does pick me up and squeeze me a lot and call me "little cat" but that's ok because I get more hammm that way.

Being me

Cat of little brain has headed off to the safety step, the humans are busy "getting clean" (what an odd concept) and I haven't been bothered by either of the ginger tarts for ages. Finally I can get on with doing what I do best. Bliss.

Behind the curtain

Back when I was just a little cat, Mr. Desh once said to me "it looks like it's curtains for your mother," just a couple of days before she disappeared. I always wondered what he meant by that then, yesterday, I found these curtains and when I shove my head deep into them it's like I can still smell her. So now I go and sit in them and burrow in to them and soon, I'm sure, soon she'll be back. My mother!

Why me?

So there I was minding my own business, getting some downtime and preserving my calories when, of course, cat of little brain had to but in. Is it so much to ask for just a little peace and quiet. I mean, I had even managed to find a nicely fragrant chair to spread my glorious fur upon and whammo up comes Ash. He may look little but he's "solid" in a Ray Winstone way. Goodness only knows how he managed to perch on the edge. Then, to make the morning complete, here comes "Mr. Man" to flash bright lights in my eyes.

Sheesh. If I weren't an atheist I would think that god hates me.

Finger likken good!

Gotta have CHIKKEN!!1!

Uh oh!

Mr Woman bought Mr Man a new click and flash thing for his "birthday." I was trying to sleep so that I could ignore the hunger pangs oh I am so hungry and I can smell CHIKKUN!!1!. It's in the hot place, sitting there, smelling so good. I went to guard the hot place so that no one could steal the CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman and Mr Man kept flashing the thing at me. Made my eyes sore. Everywhere I go now, they follow me and flash. Even Mr Desh got flashed a few times. He doesn't mind though, he just kept on sleeping. How can he sleep when there's CHIKKUN!!1! in the hot place?

I did ask him what a "birthday" is? It seemed to require the humans to drink some of that awful red stuff they call whyne and sometimes it makes Mr. Woman do something they call "Interpretative Dance" to the loud noise. Deshar likes the loud noise because it reminds him of pea soup. Anyway, I asked Mr Desh about "birthdays" and he said that they are special days when cats have to be silent for 24 hours and that mine was coming up soon! In fact, Mr Desh said I was special because every day of my life is a birthday. I don't like birthdays. If it was up to me, birthdays would be cancelled and we would have CHIKKUN!!1! days instead. Then I could eat CHIKKUN!!1! every day. I would like that. Maybe if I look at Mr Woman hopefully and purr a lot and point my tail at the CHIKKUN!!1! she'll give me some. Mr Woman loves me. Mr Man always eats all of his CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman always saves some for me because I love her so much and she feeds it to me when Mr Man isn't looking.

I wonder why humans don't have to be quiet during their birthdays and why Mr Woman always points at the ceiling and whirls around when she's doing the "interpretative dancing?" Humans are strange.

I wasn't always called Ash

Back when I was only small my mum used to call me "Gnotnow." She would lie on her back and when I poked her she would just say my name. That always made me feel special because no matter how tired she was she would always say my name. Mr. Desh sometimes says she called me "Pest" but that's cause my mum always got her p's and b's mixed up. This video is just like her. Mr. Desh thinks she must have run off to You Tube to do kittypron just like they said on the Jeremy Kyle show at the holiday home. I didn't like the holiday home but at least they let me watch television all day there.

Before anyone says anything

No, Ash, I am not a "neandercat". I am not "flame-haired", "ginger" or "orange." I am, technically, a very rare mix of honey and cinnamon. And no, you're not an neandercat either. They were quite highly evolved.

The misery of it all

There is someone out there more miserable than me! Mr Desh said there had to be, and there is! Am I happy about that? Am I? I don't know. I think I want to cry now.

Strange angles

See I can do fancy pointing too.

As things ought to be

For once the humans are treating me properly. Shoulder position allows me to move from A to B with minimal calorie expenditure.

This is a good thing.

hello!

I'm down here!

Feed me!
Hungry here!

There is hope!

I had begun to think that there were no other intelligent cats in the world, that perhaps they were all like Ash, that everywhere one turned there would be ktpsk and cutesy stuff and the rainbow bridge. All I wanted was the occasional incisive comment and a healthy dose of sarcasm. I tried explaining sarcasm to Ash once but there wasn't enough glitter involved and he wandered off half-way through the fourth word. sigh.

Then, today, I discovered Psycho Kitty. OK, it's not a promising name but I think I've finally found someone who tells it like it is. Someone who also has endure what I have to endure. He has humans who feed him erratically and an annoying cat that the female coos over day and night.

The squirrels look crunchy too.

The only thing that confuses me is his reference to a "massive manhood." Tiddles always used to go on about his massive manhood until after his trip to the "vet". Then he started to collect pink ribbons instead. All very strange.