Sexy beast

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell. I'm sweating in here. Roasting. Boiling. Baking. Sweltering. It's like a sauna. Furnace. You can fry an egg on my stomach. Ohh, who wouldn't lap this up? It's ridiculous. Tremendous. Fantastic. Fan-dabby-dozy-tastic.

No time to write!

Guarding Deshar from an "ant"! Can't let him down! Mr. Desh is counting on me! No ant will get past me on my watch. Been here for over 1 ... 2 ... 3 minutes now!

Legs weak. Feel wobbly. Maybe I'll just just close my eyes for a while.

Ant music

Hungry. Only had the crunchy food so far today. No black paste yet. Trying to conserve energy by dozing on a chair. Wish the humans wouldn't stop removing my hair from the cushion. Do they realise how much hard work it takes to get it just right?

Managed to distract him of little brain by telling him about the "ant" and how he needs to guard me from it. He's spent an hour watching it so far. Haven't the heart to tell him that it got past him when he fell asleep.

Ear ok. Chest healed. Bite on neck healed. Bum not sore. Very hungry though. Wonder what the ant tastes like.

For the love of...

4am, and woken by that damned grey cat again.

Does he never listen to the humans talking? The male's gone to see Birmingham (whoever that is), but whoever they are, they can't be very interesting, as he said he'd be back tomorrow. At least we don't have to go on holiday again.

Although the female was acting oddly yesterday. First we were left alone all day - with only one meal, thank you very much - then, when she eventually came back, she was rummaging in that leather sack thing she wears. But she didn't go into the house. She stood in the garden and talked into her hand for a bit, then climbed up the side of the house! Never seen her do that before. Why didn't she just go in the human door? She kept saying "oh no, my keys". Tchah. Just feed me. Jet engine metabolism, you know. Just a tad hungry.

That's better.

Right. If Ash ever shuts up, I might get back to sleep.

Something's wrong!

Something's wrong. Something's not right. It's dark. It's very dark. But it's night, so that's all right. I know! There's someone missing from the house! It's the male! He's gone! I must go and look for him. Where can he be?

I've looked and looked in all the rooms and I've looked again and I've run through the house and I've called for him and called for him but I can't find him. Oh no! The water monster must've eaten him! Oh no! Does the female know? Look! She's gone to bed and she's in there on her own! She doesn't know he's not there! I must wake her and tell her the male's gone! Wake up! Help! Help! He's gone! Gone! Eaten! ooooooooooo!

oh.

She doesn't look very pleased. Didn't she want to know she was sleeping by herself?

A new toy!

oooooooooooo Mr Desh! You've got a new toy! It flies really well, Mr Desh! It's got feathers and everything, and it chirps, too! ooooooooooooo! ooooooooooooooo!

Oh, Mr Desh, you've broken it. It's not flying anymore. Mr Desh? Mr Desh? What are you doing, Mr Desh? Oh, Mr Desh!

Ugh, Mr Desh!

Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

Confounded the humans last night. Heard the male saying we were odd, as we never slept on the bed. "There's a thought", I thought and, as the lights went out, I leapt on the bed and settled down for a bit of a snooze. I like it really when they coo over me. I just won't admit it out loud, is all. You won't catch me making a song and dance out of wanting a bit of a purr, unlike some small grey cats I could mention.

Woke up feeling hungry. Damn it, they only gave me four meals yesterday. Don't they realise I have a metabolism like a jet engine? Went downstairs in the dark and, as I thought, food bowls empty.

Next meal - 6am. Curses! That's an hour away. What to do? Think I'll go and sit on the roof and watch the sky.

Hey, what's that chirping sound?

This song makes me cry

CHIRPY CHIRPY CHEEP CHEEP
Mac & Katie Kissoon

Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away far far awayayay...

REFRAIN

Last night I heard my momma singing this song
Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
Woke up this morning and my momma was gone
Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp

Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Far far away far far awayayay...

REFRAIN

REPEAT REFAIN

REPEAT REFRAIN AGAIN

Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away

[begin fading]
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's...

Musings

Fairy lights. I ask you. That's just how Tiddles went after his vetvisit. Not that the vetvisit changed Ash any. He was assembling a sparkly bower from day one in this place. Funny how the female hasn't found it yet. Shows how often she looks under the bed.

Ear fine but profile ruined. Have strong suspicion that the two halves of my ear will never grow back together again. Chest fine. Eye feeling OK. Bum fine. Worried.

Have eaten too much. Eyes heavy. Feet heavy. Ears heavy. Tail heavy. Sleep heavy.

Fairy Lights!

Look Mr Desh, I made fairy lights! Fairy lights! Isn't that good.

What you doing Mr. Desh? Why are you trying to chase them? Mr. Desh? Mr. Desh?

Oooh. I want to chase them too. I feel funny.

I'm coming too!

Mr Desh what are they doing? Why have they put you in there without me?

Humans! Take me too! Don't make Mr. Desh go without me! He can't cope by himself!

That's better.

It's cosy in here isn't it Desh! Isn't it fun to be together like this! Wonder what this "vet" will be like. Bet it'll be fun.

Why do you keep saying "oh bugger", Desh?

Tiddles

Day 6. I heard the word "vet" today. I remember what happened to Tiddles back in the old country. Tiddles was hard. He could shred concrete with his bare claws and I once saw him chase a badger up a tree. when Tiddles played pounce, it hurt. Then, when he was just six months, they took him to the "vet". When he came back, he was ... different. THEY had got to him. He rolled on his back, never stopped eating, discovered a love for musical theatre and glittery things and seemed strangely uninterested in Big Fat Chloe.

Well, that's not going to happen to me. Oooh what's that. The female's putting cat treats in the cat case. Food. So crunchy! So foody. I'll just nip in and have some.

Curses! Those humans are smarter than they look. At least they haven't put Ash in.

Oh.

Bugger.

Meep

Mr Desh is being strange again. He's hiding beneath the car, covering himself in oil and juddering a lot. Keeps trying to look at his shoulder scratches. Poor Mr. Desh. Perhaps he wants a game of pounce and bite?

Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!

Morning report

Eye twitchy but ok. Ear mostly healed. Chest normal and bite behind ear seems to have gone down. Bum rather sore. Sending this from beneath the car. Female human kept sniffing me yesterday and cooing. Can't be having that.

Also have theory. Every morning they put me on the SLAB. The female then pokes me in places I really don't want to have to think about while the male human pins me down. Once they've humiliated me they try to buy me off with the tube of black paste. Then something else happens and it all becomes a blur; the last thing I remember is a black pen being shaken and then the red glow. When I come to, I'm lying on my side panting. Now I think if I could see my shoulders I would find a strange double mark. Clearly, someone has messed with my genes so I must have super powers. You see, that explains Ash. He's a spy from The Organisation. He pretends to be incompetent but, when I sleep, I always see him there. Watching. Watching. Watching.

The answers are in the lights in the sky, I tell you. Look to the skies. The truth is up there.

Typical.

I don't know. Give that cat something to write in, and he scribbles all over it, like an undisciplined toddler.

Well. At least the female's home. She has dumped her bags in a messy heap and is cooing over Ash. He's just done the yawny-meep thing the humans think is so cute. I simply cannot fathom why.

She has, though, given us the evening meaty deliciousness and left the door open. At least that way I don't have to put up with Ash pretending the only thing that keeps the cat flap safe is him guarding it. Oh, what's he doing now? He's using the cat flap. Even though the door's actually open. Typical.

Eye still a bit sore. Chest fine, now I think about it - as is my ear, although I've not forgiven that fat ginger tart for ruining my profile. Bum OK.

Think I'll sit on the roof and watch the sky.