Monday, 30 April 2007

Sexy beast

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell. I'm sweating in here. Roasting. Boiling. Baking. Sweltering. It's like a sauna. Furnace. You can fry an egg on my stomach. Ohh, who wouldn't lap this up? It's ridiculous. Tremendous. Fantastic. Fan-dabby-dozy-tastic.

Sunday, 29 April 2007

No time to write!

Guarding Deshar from an "ant"! Can't let him down! Mr. Desh is counting on me! No ant will get past me on my watch. Been here for over 1 ... 2 ... 3 minutes now!

Legs weak. Feel wobbly. Maybe I'll just just close my eyes for a while.

Ant music

Hungry. Only had the crunchy food so far today. No black paste yet. Trying to conserve energy by dozing on a chair. Wish the humans wouldn't stop removing my hair from the cushion. Do they realise how much hard work it takes to get it just right?

Managed to distract him of little brain by telling him about the "ant" and how he needs to guard me from it. He's spent an hour watching it so far. Haven't the heart to tell him that it got past him when he fell asleep.

Ear ok. Chest healed. Bite on neck healed. Bum not sore. Very hungry though. Wonder what the ant tastes like.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

For the love of...

4am, and woken by that damned grey cat again.

Does he never listen to the humans talking? The male's gone to see Birmingham (whoever that is), but whoever they are, they can't be very interesting, as he said he'd be back tomorrow. At least we don't have to go on holiday again.

Although the female was acting oddly yesterday. First we were left alone all day - with only one meal, thank you very much - then, when she eventually came back, she was rummaging in that leather sack thing she wears. But she didn't go into the house. She stood in the garden and talked into her hand for a bit, then climbed up the side of the house! Never seen her do that before. Why didn't she just go in the human door? She kept saying "oh no, my keys". Tchah. Just feed me. Jet engine metabolism, you know. Just a tad hungry.

That's better.

Right. If Ash ever shuts up, I might get back to sleep.

Something's wrong!

Something's wrong. Something's not right. It's dark. It's very dark. But it's night, so that's all right. I know! There's someone missing from the house! It's the male! He's gone! I must go and look for him. Where can he be?

I've looked and looked in all the rooms and I've looked again and I've run through the house and I've called for him and called for him but I can't find him. Oh no! The water monster must've eaten him! Oh no! Does the female know? Look! She's gone to bed and she's in there on her own! She doesn't know he's not there! I must wake her and tell her the male's gone! Wake up! Help! Help! He's gone! Gone! Eaten! ooooooooooo!


She doesn't look very pleased. Didn't she want to know she was sleeping by herself?

Friday, 27 April 2007

A new toy!

oooooooooooo Mr Desh! You've got a new toy! It flies really well, Mr Desh! It's got feathers and everything, and it chirps, too! ooooooooooooo! ooooooooooooooo!

Oh, Mr Desh, you've broken it. It's not flying anymore. Mr Desh? Mr Desh? What are you doing, Mr Desh? Oh, Mr Desh!

Ugh, Mr Desh!

Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

Confounded the humans last night. Heard the male saying we were odd, as we never slept on the bed. "There's a thought", I thought and, as the lights went out, I leapt on the bed and settled down for a bit of a snooze. I like it really when they coo over me. I just won't admit it out loud, is all. You won't catch me making a song and dance out of wanting a bit of a purr, unlike some small grey cats I could mention.

Woke up feeling hungry. Damn it, they only gave me four meals yesterday. Don't they realise I have a metabolism like a jet engine? Went downstairs in the dark and, as I thought, food bowls empty.

Next meal - 6am. Curses! That's an hour away. What to do? Think I'll go and sit on the roof and watch the sky.

Hey, what's that chirping sound?

Thursday, 26 April 2007

This song makes me cry

Mac & Katie Kissoon

Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away far far awayayay...


Last night I heard my momma singing this song
Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
Woke up this morning and my momma was gone
Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp

Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Far far away far far awayayay...




Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)
Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away

[begin fading]
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Little baby bird
(Little baby bird)


Fairy lights. I ask you. That's just how Tiddles went after his vetvisit. Not that the vetvisit changed Ash any. He was assembling a sparkly bower from day one in this place. Funny how the female hasn't found it yet. Shows how often she looks under the bed.

Ear fine but profile ruined. Have strong suspicion that the two halves of my ear will never grow back together again. Chest fine. Eye feeling OK. Bum fine. Worried.

Have eaten too much. Eyes heavy. Feet heavy. Ears heavy. Tail heavy. Sleep heavy.

Fairy Lights!

Look Mr Desh, I made fairy lights! Fairy lights! Isn't that good.

What you doing Mr. Desh? Why are you trying to chase them? Mr. Desh? Mr. Desh?

Oooh. I want to chase them too. I feel funny.

I'm coming too!

Mr Desh what are they doing? Why have they put you in there without me?

Humans! Take me too! Don't make Mr. Desh go without me! He can't cope by himself!

That's better.

It's cosy in here isn't it Desh! Isn't it fun to be together like this! Wonder what this "vet" will be like. Bet it'll be fun.

Why do you keep saying "oh bugger", Desh?


Day 6. I heard the word "vet" today. I remember what happened to Tiddles back in the old country. Tiddles was hard. He could shred concrete with his bare claws and I once saw him chase a badger up a tree. when Tiddles played pounce, it hurt. Then, when he was just six months, they took him to the "vet". When he came back, he was ... different. THEY had got to him. He rolled on his back, never stopped eating, discovered a love for musical theatre and glittery things and seemed strangely uninterested in Big Fat Chloe.

Well, that's not going to happen to me. Oooh what's that. The female's putting cat treats in the cat case. Food. So crunchy! So foody. I'll just nip in and have some.

Curses! Those humans are smarter than they look. At least they haven't put Ash in.



Wednesday, 25 April 2007


Mr Desh is being strange again. He's hiding beneath the car, covering himself in oil and juddering a lot. Keeps trying to look at his shoulder scratches. Poor Mr. Desh. Perhaps he wants a game of pounce and bite?

Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!Mr. Desh! Mr. Desh!

Morning report

Eye twitchy but ok. Ear mostly healed. Chest normal and bite behind ear seems to have gone down. Bum rather sore. Sending this from beneath the car. Female human kept sniffing me yesterday and cooing. Can't be having that.

Also have theory. Every morning they put me on the SLAB. The female then pokes me in places I really don't want to have to think about while the male human pins me down. Once they've humiliated me they try to buy me off with the tube of black paste. Then something else happens and it all becomes a blur; the last thing I remember is a black pen being shaken and then the red glow. When I come to, I'm lying on my side panting. Now I think if I could see my shoulders I would find a strange double mark. Clearly, someone has messed with my genes so I must have super powers. You see, that explains Ash. He's a spy from The Organisation. He pretends to be incompetent but, when I sleep, I always see him there. Watching. Watching. Watching.

The answers are in the lights in the sky, I tell you. Look to the skies. The truth is up there.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007


I don't know. Give that cat something to write in, and he scribbles all over it, like an undisciplined toddler.

Well. At least the female's home. She has dumped her bags in a messy heap and is cooing over Ash. He's just done the yawny-meep thing the humans think is so cute. I simply cannot fathom why.

She has, though, given us the evening meaty deliciousness and left the door open. At least that way I don't have to put up with Ash pretending the only thing that keeps the cat flap safe is him guarding it. Oh, what's he doing now? He's using the cat flap. Even though the door's actually open. Typical.

Eye still a bit sore. Chest fine, now I think about it - as is my ear, although I've not forgiven that fat ginger tart for ruining my profile. Bum OK.

Think I'll sit on the roof and watch the sky.


Look Desh! I made dots! All over the blog! isn't this neat, Desh!

Where did he go? He did mention a ginger tart earlier. I wonder if I would like one of those? Anyway, I'm sure he'll back any minute now. I'll guard the cat flap for him. Wish the male hadn't thrown out my paper. I liked my paper. It was warm and crinkly and smelt of mother. Don't think about that right now. Must be brave; Desh will be relying on me keeping the cat flap safe for him.

Let's see if I can make sparkly dots next.

For goodness sake

Maybe they'll let me go back to the cattery. Least no one picks me up and rubs cream on my bum there. Damn, I hate that. And will some one please tell Ash that it's only a closed door. Just like every morning. He really doesn't have to howl so loudly. It makes my sore eye throb.

Right. I'm going out to walk in some mud. At least it's quiet out there. Now, how can I get out of this cat flap without making a noise that Ash might hear?

Very careful now, Desh. Don't attract his attention. One leg at a time. That's it. Use the tail to stop it snapping shut and making a noise. Ow. Damn that hurt. I think I got away with it though.

It's cold out here. Maybe I should go back in.


Help! The male's in the room behind the door with all the water! I can hear him melting! I'm shouting and shouting to get his attention before the water monster thing in there eats him but he can't hear me! And the female has the noisy burning air blower thing eating her head again! Help! Help! Help! Call the alarm!

Desh! Where are you? We need you? Where's he gone? what if I throw myself against the door? Ow. Help! Help! Oh my God! Maybe Desh fell down a well! Oh no, Mr. Desh! Don't go where I can't follow. The man's melting! The woman's burning! My mother's gone! Desh is trapped down a well!

Monday, 23 April 2007

Oh, please..

..please, just give me some peace.

Have been pursued relentlessly by Ash for eleven hours now. He will not give me a minute on my own. He keeps telling me what fun we're having, now we've got some room to run about in. Fun. If that cat had a brain cell, it expired alone quite some time ago. Around the time his immigrant mother abandoned him, I reckon. I wonder why she did that?

Ear still hurts from where that fat ginger tart tore it. Chest still itchy. Bum sore.

Wait! There's a red shiny light -

Home again!

We're back home from our holidays, and now I know that 'holidays' means spending lots and lots of time with Desh in a cozy room with TV all day. It's great fun! Now that we're home, Desh has been playing chase with me. He goes out, and I follow him. Then he goes in, and I follow him. Then he goes out again. He thinks he's good at hiding, but I always find him!

Desh loves to play! Isn't this fun?

My mother!

I knew she hadn't abandoned me!

50 hours

50 hours! 3000 minutes. There's a fat cat called Hatty who wakes me up at 6am every morning to ask me if she looks fat. There's a slavering horde of smelly dogs that bark without fail every 20 minutes when a train goes past. Then there's Ash. I swear if that cat says "Isn't this fun?" one more time, I'm going to do something. That and 10 hours of daytime television every day. Ash is now convinced that his mother was a large, transexual, illegal immigrant cushion which is why she had to abandon him.

Ear still tender, chest itchy, bum fairly normal. Feel worried because something else is bound to go wrong.


Isn't this fun? Desh says we've had 50 hours together! All by ourselves! We've had so much fun. Desh loves it. He said to me, "I can't believe it's only 50 hours. It feels like I've been locked here with you for a life time!" Isn't that great of him? I know Desh pretends to be grumpy but loves me really.

Thursday, 19 April 2007


I hear the humans are making plans to travel on the Duke. Whatever that is. They have now mentioned 'cattery' several times. I don't know what this is, but I suspect that I am not going to entirely enjoy it. Will wait and see what happens tomorrow.

Ash won't shut up about it.

Ear still sore. Bite on neck hurting. Have inexplicable hunger pangs for that yeasty stuff from tube.


ooooh! We're going on holiday! My favourite! Desh, we're going on holiday, Desh!

What's a holiday, Desh?

My favourite

Got a new blog! Got a new blog! Isn't this good! I want sparkly things in it. Desh! Desh! We've got a new blog! We've got a new blog, Desh.

Kicked out

Been told to write only in the new blog.

Ash won't shut up about it. Oh, and the male just rubbed powder over my ear. Damn that smells funny.