Oh noes! I'm being squeezed again!

Svelte

Rather strangely, Mr Woman has been saying that I am getting chunky so I just wanted to prove that I can still fit into this belt. If anything, I'm underfed. Haven't had hammm!!1! for days. Then again, they did send me to THAT PLACE again. How could they do such a thing?

Tell me something I don't know

Yes, "Mr Man" I am perfectly aware that my bed has fallen over. I'm sure it would be awfully "cute" if you didn't have to sleep in it all afternoon. I mean, if you want to do something that is actually useful with those handy-dandy opposable thumbs of yours that you think so highly of then...
...sigh...
why even bother?

Do you want me to go and chase some shiny lights for you now?

Better than chikkun!!1!

Hammmm!!!1!!11!!!

OMG. The humans had hammm today and I got some. Hammm is the best thing in the world. It's pink and it's meat! When I hang from Mr. Woman's waist with all my claws she screams in delight and feeds me even more hammm. Hammm is best when you can put more in your mouth while you're still eating some other hammm. I could eat hammm for ever.

I'm very tired now though. Mr. Man lifted me off the safety step after he said something about breaking his "fricking" neck. Didn't know he had one of those. Maybe that's why his voice is all funny and squeaky and he smells of "Tee Sea Pee". Now I'm curled up in a corner at the top of the stairs and feeling all pink on the inside.

I love hammm! Nearly as much as Mr Woman but Mr Woman feeds me lots of hammm so I have to love her more. She does pick me up and squeeze me a lot and call me "little cat" but that's ok because I get more hammm that way.

Being me

Cat of little brain has headed off to the safety step, the humans are busy "getting clean" (what an odd concept) and I haven't been bothered by either of the ginger tarts for ages. Finally I can get on with doing what I do best. Bliss.

Behind the curtain

Back when I was just a little cat, Mr. Desh once said to me "it looks like it's curtains for your mother," just a couple of days before she disappeared. I always wondered what he meant by that then, yesterday, I found these curtains and when I shove my head deep into them it's like I can still smell her. So now I go and sit in them and burrow in to them and soon, I'm sure, soon she'll be back. My mother!

Why me?

So there I was minding my own business, getting some downtime and preserving my calories when, of course, cat of little brain had to but in. Is it so much to ask for just a little peace and quiet. I mean, I had even managed to find a nicely fragrant chair to spread my glorious fur upon and whammo up comes Ash. He may look little but he's "solid" in a Ray Winstone way. Goodness only knows how he managed to perch on the edge. Then, to make the morning complete, here comes "Mr. Man" to flash bright lights in my eyes.

Sheesh. If I weren't an atheist I would think that god hates me.

Finger likken good!

Gotta have CHIKKEN!!1!

Uh oh!

Mr Woman bought Mr Man a new click and flash thing for his "birthday." I was trying to sleep so that I could ignore the hunger pangs oh I am so hungry and I can smell CHIKKUN!!1!. It's in the hot place, sitting there, smelling so good. I went to guard the hot place so that no one could steal the CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman and Mr Man kept flashing the thing at me. Made my eyes sore. Everywhere I go now, they follow me and flash. Even Mr Desh got flashed a few times. He doesn't mind though, he just kept on sleeping. How can he sleep when there's CHIKKUN!!1! in the hot place?

I did ask him what a "birthday" is? It seemed to require the humans to drink some of that awful red stuff they call whyne and sometimes it makes Mr. Woman do something they call "Interpretative Dance" to the loud noise. Deshar likes the loud noise because it reminds him of pea soup. Anyway, I asked Mr Desh about "birthdays" and he said that they are special days when cats have to be silent for 24 hours and that mine was coming up soon! In fact, Mr Desh said I was special because every day of my life is a birthday. I don't like birthdays. If it was up to me, birthdays would be cancelled and we would have CHIKKUN!!1! days instead. Then I could eat CHIKKUN!!1! every day. I would like that. Maybe if I look at Mr Woman hopefully and purr a lot and point my tail at the CHIKKUN!!1! she'll give me some. Mr Woman loves me. Mr Man always eats all of his CHIKKUN!!1! but Mr Woman always saves some for me because I love her so much and she feeds it to me when Mr Man isn't looking.

I wonder why humans don't have to be quiet during their birthdays and why Mr Woman always points at the ceiling and whirls around when she's doing the "interpretative dancing?" Humans are strange.

I wasn't always called Ash

Back when I was only small my mum used to call me "Gnotnow." She would lie on her back and when I poked her she would just say my name. That always made me feel special because no matter how tired she was she would always say my name. Mr. Desh sometimes says she called me "Pest" but that's cause my mum always got her p's and b's mixed up. This video is just like her. Mr. Desh thinks she must have run off to You Tube to do kittypron just like they said on the Jeremy Kyle show at the holiday home. I didn't like the holiday home but at least they let me watch television all day there.

Before anyone says anything

No, Ash, I am not a "neandercat". I am not "flame-haired", "ginger" or "orange." I am, technically, a very rare mix of honey and cinnamon. And no, you're not an neandercat either. They were quite highly evolved.

The misery of it all

There is someone out there more miserable than me! Mr Desh said there had to be, and there is! Am I happy about that? Am I? I don't know. I think I want to cry now.

Strange angles

See I can do fancy pointing too.

As things ought to be

For once the humans are treating me properly. Shoulder position allows me to move from A to B with minimal calorie expenditure.

This is a good thing.

hello!

I'm down here!

Feed me!
Hungry here!

There is hope!

I had begun to think that there were no other intelligent cats in the world, that perhaps they were all like Ash, that everywhere one turned there would be ktpsk and cutesy stuff and the rainbow bridge. All I wanted was the occasional incisive comment and a healthy dose of sarcasm. I tried explaining sarcasm to Ash once but there wasn't enough glitter involved and he wandered off half-way through the fourth word. sigh.

Then, today, I discovered Psycho Kitty. OK, it's not a promising name but I think I've finally found someone who tells it like it is. Someone who also has endure what I have to endure. He has humans who feed him erratically and an annoying cat that the female coos over day and night.

The squirrels look crunchy too.

The only thing that confuses me is his reference to a "massive manhood." Tiddles always used to go on about his massive manhood until after his trip to the "vet". Then he started to collect pink ribbons instead. All very strange.

I don't understand!

Mr Woman says Mr Man's coming home tomorrow! But she says he's not Mr Man any longer - he's Dr Man now. Doctor Man? Has he turned into a vet? What's happened? She says we've got to wash behind our ears and sit neatly for him when he comes in. Why? Why does he want to see us washing our ears?

She says we've got to be clean and perfect. Does she want us to look like this? It's clean, but not very kwl.

Paws crossed for Mr Man

Mr Woman has sent all our good luck away, so we're hiding, in case something bad happens while we're not looking. She says Mr Man needs it all today and we've to keep our paws crossed for him. Will this do? We just want Mr Man to come home again. He's coming home with a pee itch dee. Does he really want one of those? It sounds sore.

Maybe he's at the vet again.

Good Luck, Mr Man!

Mr Man's abandoned me! Again!!

Why does he keep leaving me behind? Mr Woman keeps singing about lumberjacks and says that the "moun tees" have him as she says that the "moun tees" always get their Mr. Man. On the good side, Mr. Woman feeds me whatever I want as long as I make it very obvious. She tried to feed me "Whiskas" today! Yuck. Hand cooked free range chicken breast or nothing. That's all that's suitable for a prince among cats.

Correcting the facts

I don't know what cat of little brain means. That "Pumpkin" is nothing like me. You won't find me rolling around the floor. I'm a lean, mean hunting machine. I haven't got time for such fripperies. And I'm nowhere near "ginger."

OK. Who's playing silly buggers? I'll have you know that that photo is unfair.
Oh. What's that? Is it? Yes it is. It's a kat tickler. Excuse me, no time left to blog. Must chase. Chase! Chase!!!

PS
There's nothing worse than pedantic humans who insist that "kat tikkler" is spelt with three k's. Bad enough having to type "kat". I will not surrender my principles! Zero tolerance for grammatical mistake's! Thats what I say.

PPS. The apostrophe errors were deliberate.

PPPS. No Ash. I do not have time to explain what an apostrophe is. Just be happy that it's not your mother, it has nothing to do with "stix" and, no you are not "smallish." There is no ish. Happy now?

PPPPS. If the male human considers some sort of catastrophe/apostrophe pun for even a second, I will cuff him.

I've got a new friend!

called Pumpkin and he's got an evil meow! I wish I had an evil meow!! Pumpkin's really kwl!!!! He's like Mr. Desh only bigger. Much bigger!!!!

At last someone knows how I feel

Never going to give up

You are my mother!

Oh, Mr Desh! I think I found her! My mother! She's big and beautiful and furry and warm and sleepy! I was confused - I thought she was all white but she's not. She's so BIG, so PRETTY - she's like a big, a big brown - a big Brown Bear. Yes! That's just what she's like! Oh, I found her!



But you wouldn't chase her up a tree, would you, Mr Desh?


Now, how do I get to her?

Sad cloud

We are the guppycloud.

We are the sad guppycloud; we are shrinking.

We sing with small voice and we sing a sorrow song for big Yellow and for Feathers, gone to the rainbow pool.

Sad is the guppycloud. Small is the guppycloud.

We sing our song of return for Halftail in hospitalworld. Return! Sing and shimmer!

The pills are back.

Tricky blogging at the moment; the humans have got me back on the grow bigger pills. Paws getting big. Body getting big. Hungry. Too hungry to blog! Must eat now.

Why is it?

Mr Man and Mr Woman occasionally laugh me and say my marbles have gone missing? I don't even know what marbles are so how can I have lost them? Sometimes humans are very strange.

Mr. Man's gone again. Now there's no one to stop Mr. Woman feeding me whenever I want. Sometimes he stands in front of the magic door and when Mr. Woman says "but he's hungry! He's wasting away my poor, darling, little Ash" he just laughs! Laughs! And says "he can wait." But I can't. Even now, my strength is fading. I must eat! Half an hour it's taken so far but I will not cease my alarm calls. Mr. Woman will hear and feed me. I know this.

The GuppyCloud

We are the guppy cloud! We do not forget minicloud in hospitalworld!
We sing a song of return!
We sing, fins can only get better!

Oh, no!

Mr Man's gone again! He got in the car with Mr Woman this morning and they drove away. Now she's back but he's not. She must have left him at the vet! Oh, no! She's forgotten him!



I'll not forget him. I love Mr Man and he loves me. I'm going to wait here so that I'll be the first to know when he comes home again. I'll stay awake and watch for him. mmmmmm. warm here. warrrrrmmmmmmpurrrrrrrrrrrzrrzzzrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Not speaking to HER

Not speaking to Mr Woman.

She must have done something to have made Mr Man go away. Don't know what, but he was away for days AND MR WOMAN TOOK ME TO THE VET AGAIN. Why? I was going outside to be sick so she didn't have to clean the carpet. I wasn't being bad, so why did she take me there to be squeezed? Ugh! And they shaved my neck. Why did they do that? I don't look so fluffy any more now.

But Mr Man's back again now. I love Mr Man! He likes me jumping on that tappy thing he taps every day and he loves it when I howl at him. I think his hearing isn't too good because I have to howl an awful lot to get his attention but I can howl really loud, so that's OK. I love Mr Man. I'll always howl for him.

Don't like Mr Woman though.

Somedays, it's good to be me.

 

Mr Man's leg. My favourite!

 

All by herself

Mr Man left today. I can always tell when he leaves but doesn't come back because Mr. Woman picks me up and squeezes me even more than usual. Yuck! Not cool and not showing enough respec'. Sometimes when Mr. Man goes away she stuffs me in a bag and tries to take me to a brown place called "Work." I don't know what work is but I know I don't like it. Other times she gets her secret red pyjamas on, drinks lots of that freezing cold stuff called vodka and sings "All by myself." At least she says it's called singing but it sounds more like Mr. Desh when I play a game of SurpriseKillDesh.

Sometimes I find humans very puzzling.

In ur soshul netwurk

Mr Man! Stop looking at the light and look at me.

Hey! Who's that handsome cat in the light? Looks holy. I wonder if I could be holy too then I could ask Holy Cat if she knows where my mother is.

A rather soupy Hawkwind tribute

I am the best soup in the universe
the pea and ham is blowing through me
the spoon is moving relative to me
it’s no figment of my mind
it's this recipe I’ve designed

Excuse me!

Hello humans! I hate to complain but, this blog is called "Ash and Deshar." Now, admittedly I never wanted to get involved in such foolishness as "cat blogging" and, even if I did, it would have made more sense to call it "Deshar and Ash" but, nonetheless, it is named after us.

So what's with all this blogging from fishworld? What's so interesting about a bunch of shrimps that never stop eating and a bunch of guppies who sing all night long keeping me awake? Heck, I came in today, and you had moved my chair so that you could sit and watch fish while me, me, I had to move somewhere else. Do you know how many extra calories that cost me? Sheesh!

And as for little Ash, poor little Ash, he wanders around aimlessly all day, meeping sorrowfully and what do you do about it? Nothing! I remember the days when "Mr Woman" would drop everything at even the hint of a meep and now, what does she do, wave her hand and say "fah." What did that sweet, adorable, abandoned little cat ever do to deserve that?

*Sniff* You're so right Mr. Desh! I'm going to go and curl myself into the littlest, little ball on a stair somewhere and dream of the days when Mr. Woman used to love me. It's so sad.

See what you've done to that poor, mournful cat?

Hey! Is that pea soup I smell? It is isn't it. Ash! Come here! Do the big eyed-pleading thing! We must have more pea soup! Must get it before Mr. Man drinks it all. Lovely pea soup. Purr! Nice humans! Feed me! Purry happy Deshar loves you.

The healthy healthy healthy guppy cloud

Pity the guppy cloud! Little red went to the freezer!
We sing sadly!
Feed the guppy cloud! The big smooth hand squashes snails for us!
We sing satedly!
Puzzled is the guppy cloud! Strange things in FishWorld! They have things we've never seen! Ultra Black (feckers!) calls them legs! They have 1, 2 more than 2 "legs" and they look at us hungrily!
We sing healthily! No guppies will feed the legmonsters!

Shocked is the guppy cloud! Two ugly new Fish in FishWorld! They eat poo! We shimmer and are above such things! Only snails for the beautiful guppycloud!
We sing beautifully!

We are the mob!

SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
FOOOOOOD LUVERRLY FOOOOOOD!!!!
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF SCOFF
50 Legs present and correct!
Shrimp mob reporting for duty! Sah!

Merging

Oh, for the love of Darwin. I had noticed a general falling-off of the female's sensibility lately. Forgetting things, losing things, keener to play with sticks than Ash, even. I have overheard the male human of the house commenting that she appears to be merging with Ash. This has been confirmed. She has just completed a second find out which lolcat you are test and the results speak for themselves. Two weeks ago she was serious cat. The male human was ceiling cat:


Today, though, she is


Hope is abandoned. All sense is lost. I may as well fling my tail in the air and chase oxygen molecules in public...

The secret diary of Peter Mandelfin

July 14 2:31pm. The big net has just come and taken Alistair out of the tank! Hooray! He's gone. I'm so happy.
July 14 2:33pm. Uh oh, big net coming my way must swim must dodge nooooooooo! I'm in a small bag with Alistair and his eye is twitching.

July 15-20. What torture is this? A tank with no one but me and Alistair. Not even a nice cappuccino bar and this water is definitely not my ideal designer water. Least I get some peace and quiet when they turn out the lights and AF spends the night headbutting the wood.

July 21. This was a good day. They put AF in solitary and I had the tank all to myself. Oh happy day. Why couldn't they keep him there though.

July 22. What's this? A gold coloured companion. I don't like this at all. That's two of them to pick on me? Why me? Save me from this madness.

July 23-28. Well goldie left me alone but that just made AF madder. He's started headbutting the gravel now and never leaves me alone. Just because I am a sleek, attractive figure of a fish. I think he's jealous.

Oy!

I was not looking at the pretty flowers. Who do you think I am? Ash? No. I was ... assessing their potential as a place to hide a ginger honey and cinnamon stealth cat.

Rainy sunday

You can tell that Ash is bored. He's just pestered me into watching this 10 times.

I mean it's only a cat playing the piano. Our neighbour can do that and he's a dog. Me, I can sleep for hours without moving. Just think of the calories that that saves. Now that's talented.

The Burning Man of the Desert

“Answer me this, Sha-Dow. Why do cats paint?”
The Burning Man’s voice had boomed out over the desert and it was the question that had guided Sha-Dow’s quest ever since. He had journeyed so far and so wide and seen such things but he still felt no closer to wisdom. His sensei, Oran-JeDesh, had cuffed him and called him a fool but Sha-Dow knew that the in the answer lay the end of his quest. If only he could unravel the riddle!

Now here he was again, many moons later, in the midst of the trackless wastes and the Burning Man lay broken in front of him. Sha-Dow had tried to hold back the angry mob but there were too many and their pitchforks had been cruelly sharpened. He had had to watch as they broke him and took his burning brands leaving nothing but a smoking wreck.

“Come closer, little Sha-Dow,” the smoking man whispered, as the last of his strength drained away.

“But why did they do it? Why did they hurt you? What harm had you done them?”

“It is their nature. They fear what they do not understand, they…” the man paused to cough, his chest nothing but soot. “They stole my fire to torch more strangers. Still, they have stolen more than they realise. Fire creates as it destroys.” His voice trailed off and suddenly Sha-Dow felt that he almost grasped the answer. Why do cats paint?

Sha-Dow nuzzled the remnants of the Burning Man, comforting him in his final moments. He felt rather than heard one last, almost grateful sigh as the Burning Man’s fire went out and, suddenly, there was nothing left but ash. And then Sha-Dow smiled because suddenly he knew the answer. He knew why it is that cats paint and he knew what he must do.

As he turned to leave, the ashes stirred in the wind and although Sha-Dow did not see it, for a second, they formed a smile.